My marriage has always been ruined (feel free to judge)

I will just get right to the point and say how he & I met. We met through Facebook and he was my sneaky link. I was 17 at the time and he was 21. After 2 months, I got pregnant. And I didn’t know until I was 2 months along. I was drinking and consuming substances. I stopped as soon as I found out I was pregnant. I’m probably the worse person in the world. After he & I stopped talking on month 3 of just knowing each other (I was already pregnant & again didn’t know). I had my one night stand and I was dumb and naive and thought it was from that guy (not my current husband). I told that guy and he of course gave me the silent treatment and when baby was born he had a DNA test which was negative. I then told my , now,husband that the baby was his and we got married 4 months later.

From the beginning our “relationship” was trash. When we first got married he would leave with his friends to drink and go to the club and leave me home alone with our baby. He constantly cheated and I honestly was only 18 and didn’t know what to do. I tried to help myself by getting closer to god (I’m Catholic) and I went to a retreat. When I got back he was sexting a few girls while I was away and was drinking and partying. I then found out he was talking to a girl since before we got married and I decided to leave him because i thought my son deserved better. I then found out I was pregnant again (with my daughter). My pregnancy was an emotional roller coaster I never felt so alone in my life like I did then. I would go to pregnancy classes just to get out of the house. By the way, as I was pregnant with my 2nd I was also going to college. He never helped me with any payments for my schooling my parents did everything for me. He didn’t even attend my graduation claiming he was too tired from work yet, he went to go hand wash his truck. He was never present for me during my pregnancy he always shut me out. I cried so much my whole pregnancy and when I delivered my baby he wasn’t there only my mom was while he was home asleep… I went home and again didn’t get any help with either of our kids. We ended up purchasing our first home on my daughter’s first birthday. He always disrespected me, despised me, is disgusted of me. He never showed us off to his friends. We were basically a secret life to others who didn’t know him. I have cried so much during our marriage I don’t know how I haven’t broken yet. The cheating never stopped. And 2 years after I had my daughter I got pregnant again with my third and again got the same treatment.

I eventually lost all the love I had for him and did what he did. Had an affair, and just my luck after that I caught herpes (HSV1) and which he got HSV2. He now despises me even more and says I’m so easy I won’t ever leave him because who would want a used girl and with 3 kids. I’m dirty. I’m broken. I’m disgusting. I think about taking my life everyday but don’t have the guts to do it because of my kids. I’m all they really have. I’m now pregnant with my 4th. And don’t plan on having him present in the delivery I want to deliver alone. It’s the same as having him present because he was on his phone the whole time I was in labor with our 3rd child. We have now been together for almost 6 years. I will never have a good life. I will give everything to my kids and hope for the best. I’m stuck in this relationship and hope that some day god listens to my prayers. I want him to be happy without me and redo his life with someone who he truly loves and is not disgusting, a slut or dirty like me.

EDIT: He also, always cusses me out when we don’t have sex. Like he said “you think I’m going to cry because you don’t have sex with me? I can easily find someone who is as easy as you. Oh wait, I can’t! Because you have me something incurable for being a slut.” -his words an hour ago