Are you kidding me?

I’m currently 10wpp with my second. I can’t have any more kids. Both my kids are lazy eaters and wouldn’t latch. This is my last chance to pump and try to provide some breast milk since my son won’t nurse. We use formula as I believe fed is best and my milk never comes in like some people. I’m currently almost making 3 ounces a day. Im very proud of it. I struggle to get 5/6 pumps a day. Ideally I’d love to do 8+ but I’m doing the best I can with the full plate I have. It seems to be slowly building so I’m happy.

Tonight I was doing my last pump of the night at 11:30. I have to pump one side at a time for my boobs to give enough milk. I don’t know why it’s just works the best. So I finished my right side and my husband asks me if I’ll put it on hold to have a quickie. I told him my nipples were sore today from rubbing in my bra while I worked in the yard for 5 hours with our toddler. I did the weed whacking so he wouldn’t have to (allergies). I wanted to get all my nipple tugging over with so I could just be done for the night till my middle of the night pump. He was like ummm okay. So I had eight minutes left on my left and my husband lets out this really loud sneeze. Completely startles my 10 week old in his bassinet. He’s been starting to startle more easily for some reason this past week. Baby wakes up crying.

To lighten the mood, I make a joke to my husband that I have 8 more minutes and then we can get freaky. He tells me yeah well we lost our window because I chose to pump. So he settles the baby and get back in bed. I told him at least we can snuggle. To which he tells me I should lay down and get some sleep before I have to be up with the baby. So now I’m feeling guilty. Baby starts crying again. I get him this time. I get him settled. I get back into bed and tell him to take his pants off and I’ll blow him. Couple minutes in baby boy wakes up again. Poor thing has been deal with gas so I know that’s why. My husband gets him and says he’s gonna have to take him out of the room so I can go to sleep. (Side note: our routine is he takes him till the first night feed and then I do everything else the rest of the feeds. Then my husband sleeps in the office on the other side of the house.)

Before he goes he tells me that we need to get into a better routine. That now that the baby is here, as soon as the kids are asleep we need to just jump into sex. That he gets I went through another C-section/C-Hyst, recovery, my hormones are still out of wack, I’m trying to pump multiple times a day and I’m caring for two kids now. He totally gets it but he’s the one always initiating it and he can’t help but wonder stuff like, do I even want to be close to him or what? Do I even want to make him a priority. He said “I know that I’m not even a first priority for you right now and I get it. You went through this with baby girl too. But you can pump while he’s awake and I hold him.” Saying I should have stopped for him when he wanted me to.

I just stopped talking to him. Seriously? No, seriously? He knows I have all this on my plate. He knows and yet he’s blaming me because he didn’t get want he wanted tonight. We just did stuff two days ago. I blew him, he did me and then an hour later he wanted sex. But tonight he didn’t get it and he’s acting pissy.

I’m so annoyed with him right now. Fine act like a child. Now I can take care of three babies tonight. Yes I don’t pounce on him because I’m fricking tired at the end of the day. I can’t believe he’s pulling this again after all the guilt he gave me last time. Makes me not want to have that closeness even more which breaks my heart.