I have noticed as of late that I’m starting to dislike everyone around me. I can’t even say it is their fault either. I’m beginning to seclude myself and it’s scaring me! When I’m around other people I put on as if I’m happy and content with life. However , when I’m alone I’m always thinking about bills and how i feel like I’m drowning or that I’m just not a good person. I try to be there for my family and friends and when i try to talk about myself they call me “motor mouth” or “self centered” , so i typically just stop talking and go away .

As of recent im making less money but the prices of everything are on the rise . I can’t afford my place and neither can my husband. We are stuck in a lease and to break it we have to pay 2K to get out. His job doesn’t pay enough to the point he can barely afford anything. It is also starting to feel as if I’m angry with him because he can’t afford anything! Not rent or insurance. I’m trying to understand how it got this way. I don’t want to be angry at him but I’m also tired of trying so hard and feeling like I have a boulder of responsibility dragging behind me.

I find myself thinking “Just let go“ , “i don’t want to be here” or something I’ve mentioned to others is that I don’t feel like i should be alive. I never thought I’d make it past 18 let alone 25! I do not want to kill myself/harm myself but life just doesn’t seem real.

I’ve tried therapy and currently searching for a new therapist, but I’m also scared that they are going to put me on a 72 hold. I don’t want to hang out anymore or go anywhere. I just want to hide in my bedroom & sleep. I feel like a burden and a waste of space. That I’m annoying or just not up to par. I’m not interested in anything anymore other than sleeping so i don’t have to feel like this. I’m so lost and don’t know what to do. As i wrote this i started to cry. I’m so tired of feeling alone and unloved or shoved away. I want to be happy and thrive but i can’t right now. I’m so tired of living this way .