What should I do

I am at a loss. I have a 3 yo special needs daughter who is disabeled and a 1 year old. We have a nanny that helps us tons as my husband and I both work from home. We hired her to care for our disabeled daughter because she doesn’t get government aid due to our income (I make 6 figures, my husband less) so I watch my 1 year old while working. But I am tired. On the weekends it’s just me caring for the kids because my husband does not lift a finger. He loves our kids. More than anything. But he is not a hands on parent. He loves telling me and the nanny what to do but won’t do it himself. I honestly can’t remember the last time he even changed a diaper.

I am so unhappy. Emotionally, mentally, physically.

He suffers from anxiety and depression and any little thing makes him spiral. We have to leave the house every single day and we get home at 10:30 nearly every day because he can’t stay home otherwise he gets in a terrible mood and just goes into a dark place. Financially we are not doing well. We live paycheck to paycheck with sometimes going negative even though we make about 165k together but he manages our money and has to constantly be eating out.

I want to just be happy with my girls. I want to separate and maybe I’ll feel less resentment but at least I won’t be in a constant bad mood asking him to be a parent, but I struggle with sharing my children. I worry that they won’t be as cared for without me. Whenever I go to the store by myself (which is rare because he is calling me 10 minutes in asking why I’m taking so long) all he does is put them in front of the tv.

I can’t even shower without it being an issue. I wait until both kids are asleep usually at like 11pm to shower and if one of them wakes up he’s blowing up my phone telling me I shouldn’t shower at night because the kids can wake up. But then in the morning I can’t either because he won’t watch them and I also have to get to work.

I feel terrible. I know I said in sickness and in health but he won’t get help. He just takes vitamins and supplements but is on the borderline on any given day.

I don’t even know what the point of this post is.

I just need to vent 😞