Just got out of a long-term relationship with someone who turned out to be one of the most toxic people I've ever met. Even after everything he put me through, HE chose to leave ME and try to paint me as the bad guy to everyone around. He continues to hurt me. I've recently gone no contact for my own sanity. I don't want to get into too much detail about my situation, so I'll stop there. Anyway, I see this same situation happening to so many people around me, particularly women. The cheating, the lies, and the abuse that so many of my friends, and just women that I've met since, have taken from men is ridiculous. I know it's not only men and it's not all men. I'm sure there's some decent ones out there, but I am not exaggerating when I say I have never met a single one of them. Not in my generation, anyway. I can't stop thinking about my grandparents. How they loved each other so much, how they only ever had eyes for each other. The way my grandfather's face would light up when my grandmother entered the room. They rarely ever argued. They had so much respect for each other. No lies, no manipulation, no abuse of any kind. Nothing but unconditional, mutual love and respect. I feel like an idiot for ever thinking I could have that. Why are the men in my generation so awful? Why are people my age, in general, so damn awful? Sometimes I think this way and then I see someone my age who seems to be in a relationship that they are truly happy in and I start to wonder if it's just me. Am I not deserving of love? Is there something wrong with me? I have never had a healthy relationship. Every person I've ever been with has seemed like such an amazing person at first and then turned into something completely different before finally leaving and making a fool out of me. Why don't I get to have a happy relationship? Will I ever? I don't even want to know anymore. I want to give up. But I miss the companionship so much. I miss coming home after a bad day at work and talking about it to someone and having them comfort me... even if at the end, they started to get annoyed with me for venting. I miss having a person. But at the same time, the relationships that I've had have screwed me up so much that I don't even want to try anymore because I can't deal with the inevitable heartbreak. It wouldn't even be healthy for me to go into another relationship, anyway, because I still haven't healed from my last one. So I feel like I'm just stuck in this overwhelming loneliness while I desperately try to put the broken pieces of my heart back together, while having to carry on in my life as if nothing happened. I know I will never be the same after this one, no matter how much work I put into healing. And before anyone says it- I know I'm young. I know there's "plenty of fish in the sea." I know that the people who were lucky enough to find real love are going to try and tell me not to give up. I've heard it all before. I just wanted to get this all out somewhere. I know this all sounds like word vomit, but that's just how scattered my brain feels right now. I apologize for the long post. I felt like I needed to put this out somewhere because I know there's someone out there who feels the same way I do. So, if you've read this far, thank you for your time. And if you relate to me, I'm so sorry. I wouldn't wish this pain and confusion on anyone.