Hello, first time posting here, I am a mom of 3 little girls age 3,2 and 4 months. And I've been really depressed, I don't know if it's ppd or if it's my regular depression. Alor has happened the last week but I have been feeling depressed for a few months now it's just recently gotten worse. Pregnancy I was fine, baby was born I was fine till they put her in the NICU, she was born at 37 weeks but didn't have a bowel movement after birth thought she had a bowl obstruction sent us off to the nicu, she was there for 9 days found out she has sever hypothyroidism, so it's constant blood work and trips to the city over a hour away to see the endocrinologist. I'm breastfeeding her but I'm barely enougher. Having to supplement with formula most days. I breastfed my other kids for more then 11 months up to 18 months. Everything been find, there's the normal stress I've been dealing with for 3 years since moving in with my mother in law, it's a shitshow almost everyday, the house is a constant mess no matter how much I clean my SIL come right behind me and makes a mess, my MIL is a Horder we have no hot water we have no propane there's 5 of us sleeping in a small room, Everytime we get back up financially something knocks us back down 10 feet lower then where we started, I'm trying to save up at least 8000$ to buy a cheap livable camper but my husband is the only one working I can't work because no babysitter and can't trust his mom to watch the kids she won't give my baby her medicine everyday like she needs it. Recently my cousin who is one of my closest cousins to me has mad some very bad choices and is currently looking at least 2 felony charges, burglary and s/a, and upon reading the court papers I believe it's triggered me from all my past abuse. (Didn't have a great life until my current husband came back in my life) and I don't know how to feel I don't want to eat, or do anything, I'm almost robotic. Feel emotionless but feel every emotion, I want to scream but can't. I tried to talk to my husband but can't get the words out. I get flashbacks from all the abuse from my past and even some I didn't even knew happened. I don't know what to do anymore. When we are around friends I act happy put a fake smile on and go about my day but when I'm home alone it all hits me, my husband had worked 2 10 hour day this weekend. My mother in law hasn't been home it's only been me and my kids, I don't know how to ask for help. I'm lost I'm scared, I want to hide in a hole and not come out. But I know I can't. I have my kids I got to take care of. They need me. I'm trying to stay strong but I feel like I got the weight of the world on my shoulders.