Someone help me out here 😞

I’ve been friends with this girl for approximately four years. At the time we became friends I was in a relationship. Over time we got closer, long late night conversations, we’d have ‘dates’ or go for long drives holding hand. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it, I’d never dated a girl or even considered it. I just knew I always wanted to be with her all the time. Things escalated and we started sexting (mildly). We had a couple sleep overs that ended with my hands down her pants. She said she didn’t want anything, and we were just passing the time. Still I thought nothing of it. My then boyfriend found out about the situation and said I couldn’t be friends with her anymore so I broke up with him.

Things got more sexual with us and we just kept doing our thing without ever discussing it. Fast forward a year later, a guy asked me out. I was so confused. I wasn’t dating my friend, but I couldn’t see myself with anyone else. I went out with the guy and it cause such a fight. I ended up telling my friend I had a crush on her and she told me that she wanted to pursue things further than a friendship but was worried how it would affect our friendship. We left it at she’d think about it. Carried on fooling around until we had a really big blow up. She said she didn’t think a relationship was a good idea because of how much we were fighting.

The entire time since we talked about moving things further than a friendship, she thought we were dating. I thought we were still fooling around. Now she doesn’t want a relationship, but I think we deserve a do over. We’ve cut everything off and are just friends but I feel like there’s so much tension. It’s weird even having a conversation trying to stay in the new rules of what’s safe and why is out of boundaries

I dont know what the heck to do with this situation.