Advice please

I need to vent.. I’m wondering if anyone else can relate to this.

2017-2021 I was in a relationship that was toxic. We were 18 when we started dating, I was his first girlfriend but I had a few boyfriends before him. We were young. We lived together on and off and it was my first serious relationship. I never felt so in love but I did with him. He was my first love. As toxic as it was, we did love each other. But our age at the time brought a lot of immaturity to the relationship and after years of hoping things would change I realized I needed to let him go for my own mental health. I left him not because I wanted to but because I needed to. I was heartbroken for a long time. I turned to substances and alcohol and went down a really dark path because missed him every day. Then I met my husband and I love my husband, he is everything I’ve ever wanted and treats me good. We have a child together and our marriage is really good. But, I never moved on fully from my first love. I think about our memories, all of the what ifs, regrets i have, etc. I have so much heartbreak and guilt from how bad our relationship ended. He tried reaching out to me many times but I stopped responding when I got with my husband. I have so much I wish I could say to him, to apologize for. I found out a few months ago that he took his life. It’s been on my mind each day. Facing the truth that his life is gone makes me so angry and heartbroken. And I feel so guilty for still having feelings about him even though I’ve moved on. I’m in therapy working through it all but… idk. I’m struggling with the fact that I will never get to tell him what I wanted to tell him. Our last conversation was really ugly. I said really mean things. I didn’t mean it. I wish I could tell him that I’m sorry, that our timing was not right but that all of the love was real. And he deserved to move on and find happiness too. I wanted that for him. Does anyone else have an ex they feel this way about even though you moved on and found love with someone else? My other ex’s I moved on completely. So I just don’t understand why I still can’t let him go. On a religious note, is there a way I could communicate to him to tell him what I never got to tell him?