I just wanna make my own family out of spite ATP, sick of being invisible

Ive been having extreme baby fever/the urge to have a family lately. I’ll be real. I’m 26. I dont have a “super supportive” or large family, in fact I only have 4 family members I can tell you I speak to regularly and actually know well and 2 of those 4 people are my parents. I have no support from any uncles, no aunties, not even any cousins or play cousins.

My dad’s side of the family always treated me like I was invisible. I’m 26 and I’ve never ever received a birthday gift, card, money in the mail from my dad’s side. My dad is the black sheep of my family and also the darkest, my grandmother is a huge colorist and plays favorites so she always treated my dad like she didn’t care for him. She’ll have sporadic moments every 2 years where she tells another family member that she wants my dad to “call her” but it’s all BS. My mom’s side is ghetto af and most of them are dead and the few uncles/cousins/aunts that are alive are either sick, former addicts or in rehab. The 2 cousins I were close with on my moms side one is gay and mentally ill and homeless and the other is in a DV situation so they’re not really available to be around (without drama)

I was bullied all throughout high school for being ugly and musty and I’ll admit it, I probably was. But I was dealing with so much from my parents divorce plus I had social anxiety so bad I would have tremors before class. So instead of being like a normal person and having a few friends from high school I have NONE lol. The one girl I did consider my friend and I was close to later fell out with me years ago and even told me how she hated being my friend and only did it “because she felt bad for me.”

The friends I’ve made after that have all either been surface level or betrayed me in some type of way. In some social situations I’ve been the butt of the joke/made fun of for being me. My sister hates me because of my mental health struggles from the past. My brother and me are semi close but we have a 5 year age difference AND a gender difference — it’s not much we have in common besides memes and basic convos.

I turned 26 last month and I realized…IDGAF about this family, and IDGAF what anybody else thinks. I’m done with my family! I’m tired of feeling like I’m a “outsider”, I’m tired of feeling like some type of weirdo or like I don’t belong. I’m tired of watching life passing me by. I’m tired of fantasizing about some perfect life where I have a big girlfriend friend group and the perfect family — it’s just not going to happen.

So yes, I already am in motion to move far far far away from this sh*thole & i plan on getting a man, getting pregnant and having a baby within the next year or so. IDC what anyone says. IDC what anyone feels! “Oh you need to heal” yadda yadda BS…I have healed and I’ve accepted the fact that life isn’t going to get better unless I start from scratch WITHOUT this family. It won’t get better until I start making the life I deserved ALL along. Yeah I’ll have to be go out and Still make friends bc my future children aren’t gonna replace adult friendships — but hell it’ll be A lot easier to do that in a city where people don’t have preconceived notions about me from HIGH SCHOOL. Some sh** that occurred over 8 years ago. I’m just over being nice and can’t do this sh** anymore, I’m over trying to make things work with my family. At least once I have my own family I won’t be forced to feel like I don’t belong or I’m not included.