Absent grandparents? Advice please

Question

HI everyone.
My mom and I have NEVER really had a good relationship. Ever since I was little I was the problem child, spoke up too much, had too many boundaries according to my mom….. well now comes time with my son to be a grandparent. My son is 2, she lives 10 mins away, and works, and takes care of her mom (my grandma) 3-4 days a week. I went to counseling with her and she said “I’m an estranged grandparent you don’t let me see him” which is completely UNTRUE I would accept the help and would love my son to have a good grandparent in his life that lived nearby! 
Well fast forward to now and I reached out and asked if she would like to commit to.1 day a week 1-2 hrs a week to see her grandson on a regular basis so that way we could plan out time, she said no because I didn’t want him to be watched at her house. She’s 10 mins away. She could literally take him anywhere but her house, I feel strange with him going over there because it’s kinda dirty and she doesn’t respect boundaries. I felt a lot better with her taking him out or hanging with him at my house.
She has no problem watching her mother at her moms house.
She said it’s my fault. Am I wrong for setting up this boundary? Is this really a dealbreaker with seeing a grandchild or do you think it’s an excuse? I told her we can work towards that once more trust is established.

Answer

Honestly no.  I can relate to this as my mother and I’s relationship is a bit weird ..  I was raised by my grandma but she is def an absent grandparent and it’s not your job to build that for her . You are doing your part by offering and if she really did want to build that with your son she would take you up on that opportunity and not make excuses .. what is 1-2 hours out at a park or your house etc .. she is looking for excuses why not to instead of the other way around … feel for you :/

Answer

I'm with you 100000000000%. This seems totally reasonable and safe and you are doing the best thing for your child, by trusting your gut and setting boundaries. Good for you mama!

Answer

You've reached out and given her an opportunity, that's all you can do. She's chosen not to take it, and maybe one day she'll change her mind or regret her decision. It sucks as Moms because we see how much grandparents miss out on by choosing not to participate, but at the end of the day that's their choice. Just surround your kids with good people who make the effort to be part of their lives, that's all we can do.

Answer

iMO not wrong at all. It’s your child and your level of security to deem what’s appropriate. If you’ve offered her a space and time in which to visit and she denies, it sounds like she’s the one causing the distance. My house is my safe zone for my kids- if I had someone else watch them that I wasn’t comfortable with them being at their house I would ask that they come here. It really just sounds like a power struggle she’s refusing. I would let her know you’d love to have her visit weekly at this scheduled time and to let you know if she changes her mind!

Absent grandparents? Advice please

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