Mentally broken, confused, anxious, tired .

This is a post filled with a few emotions and a lots of confusion. Please help me out. Long post alert.

I’m 29 years old, married 5 months ago after dating for 2 years, I’m a working professional, married by choice but like everyone else, our relationship has had ups and downs, which we get through together and smile and let go.

Sometime ago, I got to know I’m pregnant. Currently 9 weeks along. This is my 1st pregnancy, no history of pregnancy/abortion whatsoever.

We were not looking forward to having a baby. Both of us.

When my partner got to know about this, he DID NOT give the classical “OMG m gonna be a father!!🥹🥹😍😍” reaction.

Now you would think I’m stupid expecting that from a guy who has been a bachelor for 31 years and doesn’t necessarily like taking responsibilities. You’re right. But what bothers me is that he says “it’s your body, your choice to keep it or not. If you ask me, I’m not thrilled or happy or even ready to be a father. But i will not shy away from my responsibilities. But I’m definitely not ready. It’s too soon. And I can’t promise if I will be ready even in the near future or even 3-4 years down the line.”

All through our relationship together, we always said we both hated the responsibilities that came with the babies/kids and never wanted one for ourselves.

I decided to keep the baby. But everyday, I feel that I’m putting him through something he doesn’t wanna do. He looks after me, he takes care of me but i miss that guy he used to be around me. It’s almost like he’s resenting me and this baby. And due to that, I’m sort of worried, what if the baby arrives and he is not attached to her/him? What if he never gets the fatherly instincts ever? I’d be damned and I’d probably resent my husband too.

I have been crying inconsolably because I don’t know what to do. I feel like a terrible person for wanting to live my life without this baby bcoz i feel it has sort of ruined my relationship with my husband, i also feel terrible for wanting to have the baby when my partner doesn’t want even if I am ready to let go of my plans and goals in life.

I’m scared of having to do it all by myself. What if he’s not able to emotionally support me through the pregnancy? I will forever hold it against him bcoz it’s the most vulnerable time of my life.

Do men really change after seeing their baby? A man who wants NO KIDS EVER and is every bit as adamant as a man can be, would this ever happen?

The baby has a heartbeat, 165.83 bpm. Unfortunately, my husband cannot accompany me through the scans because where I stay, he’s not allowed to go in and see.

Please help me. M mentally destroyed.