Painful memories come back again and again

I’ve had an emotionally unavailable mother growing up. She always made it known that my brother was her favorite and she’d tell me I’m not beautiful so she’d be lying if she said I was amongst other things.

And subconsciously, I’ve tried to connect with her through my adult life by seeking her constant validation. My brother has told me to ignore her instead of taking the bait, like he does when there’s an argument.

Now, I’m 38, she still tries to control me but I’ve gained the confidence to ignore it and do my thing. Until she comes in my face full force with rage. I know now it’s more about her pain than me. But still ALL those emotions as a young teenager until my early 30s come flooding back. My brother tells me, why I go digging that far back instead of moving forward but how can I with a dominant, toxic mother who I always wanted to connect with. But what I don’t understand is why is this affecting me more now as I reflect back to it? Maybe, being a mom myself, I’ve become more aware? It is very painful and my family was oblivious to it, even though our home videos you can see me reserved, quiet on the side. I had depression and my own mother never took a moment to make me feel I matter! I don’t know how to switch the pain off, my mother feels she was amazing, sacrificial mom