Husband used to treat me really bad

He’s different now. But I find it hard to forgive him.

We have 2 lovely children, but I just couldn’t forget the things he had done to me and I was too young and didn’t think that maybe I should leave even when he is really abusive towards me. But now at 25 I feel differently about this relationship, but He also felt safer than my family so I stayed.

It is sad to know that you’ve never been his priority even when I am birthing his child. I was alone, twice, and the second time, he was out on a business trip that it’s totally replaceable, he don’t have to go. He was apologetic when I found out but he’s really mean about it too and didn’t think it was that important for him to be there anyway. He told me that nobody wants a mom of two if I leave and that the relationship is a failure to begin with. Am I supposed to live with this preventable birth trauma for the rest of my life? Because I hate it. Sometimes I really hate him but sometimes I can forget about it. Not sure why.

Sometimes I have some recollections of the things he did to me in the past that was really bad but he is apologetic about it now that he has changed, I see it too.

He apologised for being an asshole because he didn’t know better. For the times he made me cleanup weeks after my C-section when it still hurts because he was angry that things are not clean. He wasn’t home all the time and was always out with friends for snooker when #1 is born. He never woke up for night duties for both children and would get angry whenever my migraine act up(I have years of daily crippling migraines from crippling anxiety). And many other things worse than these but it is too much to type here I guess.

But now that he has changed, he’s more understanding now and apologetic towards what he has done, but I find it hard to forgive him. I don’t want to leave him even though sometimes I do. There are days that I just I hate him when I remember what he did