Hi everyone,

I wanted to come here for some life/motherhood advice. For about 3-4 years now, I’ve taken a big hit to my motivation in life and motherhood. The first year and a half of my oldest child’s life (he’s 5) I was the only parent taking care of him with the exception of finances because my ex boyfriend paid for everything but wasn’t involved because he worked so much (by choice). I had really bad ppd and ppa for the first 4-5 months of his life. It got a little better but pretty much lingered in my mind until he was 2. I also babysat for a friend and her baby was very high needs (which is fine!) but she cried so much that I ended up severely neglecting myself until I couldn’t take it anymore and had to stop watching her. I gained so much weight from the time my son turned 1 until he was 3 (165-205) and then had my daughter which ended up being a high risk pregnancy and the stress from two kiddos plus a separation from their dad, school for myself, and every single life responsibility for myself, my kids, my animals and my house/yard took a toll on my mental and physical health. I now weigh 220 and I feel so out of shape and unhealthy and on top of all the stress I feel constantly, I’ve developed lupus of the skin and have a heart murmur that I need medication for. My kids dad and I have an okay relationship but we struggle to get by because he has (what we assume to be) Asperger’s. Now before you come at me for talking about his mental health or call me names, I’m just adding it in so you all know his backstory and how that affects him and puts a lot of responsibility on me.

All this to say, I truly believe I hit severe burn out a few years ago and I don’t think I ever came back from it. I think instead, it’s lead me into a depression with no motivation for life, suicidal thoughts (thought I never would because there’s nobody to take care of my kids), and quite honestly, it’s made me a lazy parent. I hate myself for it. But I have no support system and can’t see a way out of this mess that is my life. Most days I struggle just to find the energy to take care of my kids basic needs and because I feel so depleted, I notice my memory is horrible which makes things even worse. Nobody believes me either. I’m so over all of this. I don’t know what to do. My house is a dirty mess all the time, my kids deserve better, I deserve better. Any advice is greatly appreciated.