When you’re devoted to your Adult Children

My in-laws had a death in the family and my MIL was talking to my Husband and I about she’s been thinking of her future if her husband was to go sooner. If she needs to go to a home and it would be so expensive but would rather go to a really cheap one so her kids can inherit the money! My grandma used to think like this and it got her in literally poverty and at the mercy of her bitter younger adult kids who still can’t stand on their own. I told her, she worked all her life and gave her kids what they needed to make their own way into the world. So whatever savings she’s got, needs to spend it on herself first. If in the end there’s something left, it’s a bonus for her kids. But she still insists she can’t do that to her kids. She has a 40 year old daughter who has mentioned several times “her inheritance” my BIL who is 34 and his mom still pays for his car and insurance and chooses odd jobs. My FIL thinks like me and they tend to get into conflict because of this. Why are these moms so crippling??

To add, that she’s an amazing, lovely person and am very lucky to have her in my life. I said “crippling” because her selfless self is coddling her adult children to the point of them taking advantage of it. Especially, if you have children still depending on you like they are some minor teenagers. My grandma said no to moving and getting hip surgery many years ago because she didn’t want to leave her “loser” adult kids behind without cooking, cleaning and spends her pension on them. She got worse and on a wheelchair and for What? It makes me mad and sad. So I care for MIL to look out for her best interest first