Is it wrong to have a distant relationship with a parent because of their addiction?

Question

Please read. Struggling. 
My mom has been an alcoholic since I was in highschool. Now (30). I remember daily fights, calls to come pick her up. To this day she’s in n out of rehab could be for a month or so and will come home n drink the same day. I get it, it’s hard n I have supported her for YEARS. But I feel she does not give a shit enough to take it seriously. She’s just accepted it’s who she is. She’s not allowed in one rehab anymore because they think she doesn’t take it serious enough. I have 4 kids. The youngest she hasn’t met yet and my almost 3 year old she met once. Is it wrong of me to have such a distant relationship? This is our latest convo. I reached out because I want things to be different but as I wrong to keep her out of my life unless she changes?

Answer

You're not obligated to maintain a relationship with anyone, even family.

Answer

As a child to an alcoholic I completely understand this struggle. After fighting this shit my whole life, living in foster care at 15 and facing her in court. I have accepted that my mom will never get fully sober and therefore had 2 choices: cut her off or work around it. I chose the second. We live about 1,5h drive away and will meet every couple of months for birthdays or just casual hang out. She knows if she drinks one drop while im there - Im gone. I would never trust her with my kid but I still want them to have a relationship. Its far from ideal or perfect but its something I can manage. I just dread the day Im going to get married, the thought gives me anxiety on a whole other level. Im not sure this is helpful at all but what Im trying to say is that you have to find a way that works for you. If she cant accept that, thats on her. You have no responsibility over her struggles, that weight and guilt is her own to carry. Its hard as hell and I hope you find balance because it can break you if you let it. Good luck!

Answer

Whew do I have a lot of experience with this. My mother struggles with substance abuse in general, one of them being alcohol. When she is sober, she is genuinely such a good person. Kind, smart, funny. But when she’s using, not so much. Growing up, she was rarely around, but as I got older, she began wanting to rebuild our relationship. It’s been very rocky, to say the least. If you want to cut your mom off and not allow any contact, you should not feel any guilt. I’ve contemplated the same thing many, many times, especially since becoming a mom. But I’ve spent a long time setting boundaries that allow us to have a relationship. It’s still rocky, but much better than it used to be. My mom and I love each other better from a distance. If we spend too much time together, we argue nonstop. As of now, we see each other a couple of times a year. That allows my daughter to have a relationship with her, but still gives us plenty of space. If my mother isn’t sober at any point during the visits, my daughter and I leave immediately. We talk on the phone a few times a week to stay updated on each other’s lives. Sometimes we’ll FaceTime so she can talk to my daughter. This works well for us. She knows that if she ever gets sober and actually takes it seriously, she will be able to have a bigger part in our lives. I hope that day comes, but if not, I’m glad that we are at least able to have some sort of relationship.

Is it wrong to have a distant relationship with a parent because of their addiction?

The Top Baby Tracker App: Embrace New Beginnings with Tender Care

The Top Fertility Tracker App: Your Path to Achieving Pregnancy

The Top Pregnancy App: Nurturing Your Journey to Motherhood

The Top Period Tracker for Empowering Your Menstrual Health Journey