My ex is killing me

I just need to vent. Please be kind

A little over two years ago I was with a guy for 1 year it was serious we were talking about a future, kids, marriage and I knew that in one year he would leave the country so I was working on the process to join him. But with the pandemic the process was in stand by. Long story short 1 week before he left he broke up with me. I was heartbroken but we kept in touch as friends and he was always asking updates on my procedure. During these two years I moved on but never met anyone else. I was still working on my procedure to go abroad as it was a dream before I even met him. A little over 2 months ago I finally moved to the new country and I chose the city where he lives. I made a lot of research and it was the most affordable city with work opportunities so technically it wasn’t for him. Or am I lying to myself? Before I arrived here, he told me that he became non monogamous and has a GF which has a main partner and I was confused but okay with that as I was not interested in him anymore. Anyways when I arrived he was very welcoming..showed me around, helped me move, introduced me to his friends. All good.

One month later, one night we went out with his friends and I got drunk so we ended up having sex. He told me that he really likes me and that he wants me to be his main partner but he will keep seeing others. I told him I wasn’t into this and I’m looking for a monogamous relationship. Anyways since that night I’ve been feeling really bad and I can’t stop thinking about him. Feeling very happy when he calls and very down when he does not. For the info I’m going through a wonderful but also very difficult period as I’ve never been abroad and I had a hard time finding a place to rent and now struggling with finding a job. I don’t know anyone and I’m an introvert so it’s very hard for me to make friends. And I’m trying to focus on my job hunt first then will make more efforts to make friends. So maybe because he is the only person I know here I’ve been feeling that way. I tried to avoid him as much as possible so we didn’t meet for a whole month but then yesterday I didn’t resist and just wanted to go out a little socialize and have some fun and promised myself that I’ll behave. But then I got drunk again and we made out again. Not only that but I told him that I love him and that he is hurting me and that this situation is making me crazy. But he just said that he cared about me and that he loves me too but that I needed to accept who he is now.

This morning I woke up feeling awful again and I don’t know what to do anymore. I am feeling so depressed.

I don’t know if it’s relevant but I’m suffering from vaginismus so I just hate being intimate with a new person as it takes a lot of effort to explain the situation and some guys don’t understand. With him it’s just easy he knows exactly how to handle it so I didn’t have sex for 2 years after our break up so it was really good to have him back but still the situation is fucking me up.

Any advice, kind word would be welcome 🙏🫶🏻