Forgetting my "daughter"

This is a very difficult post for me...

12 years ago, I was 16. I was angry, lonely, and a pretty depressed girl. I had always been an old soul, with a very high IQ (top 1% on most national tests). However, my EQ wasn't as high because my parents are Korean, and culturally that didn't jive too well (ex. I had to learn how to maintain eye contact with people in college because it is considered rude in many Asian cultures).

I went to a private high school that dropped my self esteem immensely because I was around other intelligent girls that had much better resources. My parents told me I had become lazy and stupid, and forced me to chop off my hair (I got a bad GPA for the first time in my life). I was verbally abused a lot. My parents were very unhappy and fought every day, so I hated coming home. My mother left for a month because her mother (my favorite grandmother) was very ill. I was angry that I couldn't see her.

At school, my friend's boyfriend molested me in the car with all his other friends ignoring us. My friend chose to believe him, and bullying at school got pretty bad after that.

I got raped by a guy I met that wanted to go eat lunch with me. Xanga (ha) was fb back then, and my friend's bf photoshopped my face to look like some guy jizzed on it with another girl and posted it. 3 school districts saw that picture and I found out months later days before my court date to face my rapist.

This is around the time my first boyfriend found me. He was over twice my age (35) and I had met him volunteering at a mental hospital. He was a nurse. He was nice to me when no one else was. He was 5'11", tall, dark, and handsome Latino guy that looked more like a black guy. I truly felt at this moment in my life that no one would've cared if I died. It was no coincidence that he came to me in my most vulnerable state. He knew what he was doing.

He introduced me to his 4 year old daughter. His ex gf wanted to give her away for adoption but he decided to keep her. I later found out he had more than 5 kids from different baby mamas. I basically raised her until she was 8. I taught her starting at her ABCs and 123s. By the time I finished teaching her she was reading at the 8th grade level and doing pre-algebra by the time she was 8. People often mistook me for her mother (we had the same color hair but... haha I'm Asian and she's Mexican and Venezuelan?!). I was with her nearly everyday.

The boyfriend became more and more abusive. He cut me off from seeing my guyfriends first, then any other girls. He would tell me I was worthless and that only he could love a girl like me. He would say we were never together but hit me if he found out I even talked to another guy. I found out he was involved in human trafficking, and a lot of odd businesses. If I ever asked him about anything, he'd say I was seeing things. I got sick because of him, and I was so scared. He accused me of cheating and said I was bringing him diseases. He would force me to sleep with other girls. He would never admit to anyone that I was his gf. He told me it was my fault I was raped and that I seduced the rapist. When I tried to leave, he would use his daughter: so you never loved her. What will she have without you? He'd also threaten my family. He said he'd send them nude photos of me and get me disowned. He tried to impregnate me so I couldn't leave. If I cried, he'd tell me to shut up because it was annoying.

4 years later, he threatened to pimp me out after beating and raping me on Christmas. I wrapped his daughter's Christmas presents and he said my handwriting was too pretty to be Santa's. I told him I was done. He threatened me and stalked me for 5 years after breaking up. "Go ahead and call the police, I have them paid off in this county," he'd say. Each attempt was using his daughter. He told her lies; that I didn't care about her anymore, so I left. I later found out he had cheated on me with hundreds of women and that he was using my identity to lure in other guys for his prostitutes.

I'm 28 now and married to my wonderful husband. He's Jewish and I'm Korean so I'm sure the baby will be gorgeous :). Now I'm expecting my first child with a man I love. But I still feel guilty about "her" (I'll call her Anne for the sake of the story). She is 17 now, and I could technically talk to her at 18. However, if she told her dad about me, not only would I be back in danger, but my baby as well. I wish I could see that Anne is okay, and to have closure. I can never forget her. I am a teacher now, and I've taught hundreds of students but I can never forget Anne.