Am I being too strict?

Question

After daycare my toddler who is 4, was going to her grandparents and we stopped home first to get her favorite dress. I go in fast, take her dress and new crown and when I’m about to start the car, she asks what about her 2 Barbies! I told her she didn’t mention anything about her dolls and not about to run upstairs again, otherwise she can stay home. When I dropped her off she forgot her crown in the car and my MIL called me to ask if I can turn around. I said no, or if I have to then I’m taking her home with me. So my FIL dropped by to get the crown for her. He makes me feel like crap by saying, she’s only 4 and forgetful. Sometimes, I just feel like her personal servant, on- call for every small little thing, sometimes she even asks to get her cup when it’s right infront of her on the table. I was annoyed and irritated, I did tell her in the car, next time she needs to pack the stuff up she wants the night before. I have 2 other toddlers at home to take care of. 
In daycare she has to dress herself, sleep herself and deal with the consequences so why is it that I’m trying to teach my child The consequences of not being organized and not taking care of her toys and being shamed for it??? Am I wrong here?

Answer

Personally I feel you're being too hard. My oldest is 3 and I don't expect her to have the same fuction of working memory that I do. I've taken enough child development to know that's not something that is reasonable to expect at this age. A 4 year old's working memory is massively smaller than an adults and you can't expect for a TODDLER to be able to remember things like that past a couple of minutes. It's unreasonable.

Answer

I get where you're coming from and it is important for her to learn to take care of her things, but you do have to remember she is only 4. 4 is still little. Just because she HAS to be more self sufficient at school and has 2 siblings you have to keep up with doesn't mean she's not still going to make age appropriate mistakes. If you want her to remember to pack things the night before, you have to remind her. If she's getting in/out of the car, ask her is she has everything before you go. A preschooler doesn't have that much forethought. Her little mind can only focus on so many things at a time. If you want her to do things a specific way or within a timeframe, you've got to lead by example. Then if she still forgets, that's on her and she has to learn the hard way.

Answer

I dont think it's reasonable to expect a 3 year old to anticipate their needs and remember everything like that. I usually go over things like that several minutes before time to go so they have time to think eg as soon as you pick her up, say ok is there anything from home you want to bring with you and give her time to think about it,, and in the car look around and ask 'hey your crown is on the floor, are you bringing your crown with you, or leaving it in the car?' I do that still with my 4.5 year old. As far as going back in and turning around, that would depend on the situation eg if we are running late to an appt then I wouldnt go back inside, turning around depends if Im just around the corner or almost home by now. Yes we have to teach responsibility, but shes 3, shes not even elementary school age yet, theres plenty of time to learn responsibility when they have more cognitive skills and executive function. We equally need to teach our kids things like patience, compassion, flexibility, empathy etc. And prompting them to think about what they need and showing them that you look around the car and ask if they are forgetting this or that actually models  the behavior and teaches them how to remember your stuff. It's annoying I get it, youre exhausted and things like this are aggravating, but yes shes only 3 and their cognitive skills and executive function are not developed yet.

Answer

I feel like that’s fair. My daughter is almost 4 and we’ve been teaching her how to care for and keep track of her belongings since she was 2, maybe younger. We give her plenty of warning and reminders but if she doesn’t look after her stuff (forgetting it somewhere, breaking it, losing it, etc) then she has to deal with the consequences. Kids need to learn cause and effect 🤷🏼‍♀️

Answer

I’m pretty sure I would have done the same as you! I have a four year old as well and that’s just that age where they have to test how much they can get mum and dad to jump for them and I think it’s right to teach them to take responsibility for small things like this. If you constantly come running they will never learn 🤷🏽‍♀️ I’m with you on this one.

Answer

Id have done the same. My oldest is 3 and i will literally leave his crap on the driveway if he doesnt pick it up and carry it in. Im a mom not a packhorse.

Answer

No you are not wrong.

Am I being too strict?

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