Vivid dreams

I know this isn’t a sign of pregnancy, I’m too early anyway, but is a sign of active hormones. I’ve been having the wildest dreams the past three nights and I want to keep documenting them if they keep happening. I feel like I’ll forget by night 3 I still remember every detail. I never remember my dreams so this is interesting to me. So this post mostly for me but if you enjoy stories here ya go.

5 DPO-more nightmare ish- some truth

My mom was diagnosed with cancer. My older sister was set to take care of her in her final months as she’s the only one unemployed. I went to visit often but was in a stretch of busy with work. When I finally got to visit it had been about a month and the house was trashed. We knew my sister wouldnt be able to handle this, but tried anyway. We get the house cleaned and fire my sister, my mom says she never wants to be around her again. Me and my oldest sister take over. My mom’s rapidly declining at this point so she wants to cross the remaining things off her bucket list. We travel. The last item is a boat ride. We take the whole family, nieces nephews my step dad. My older sister who was fired wasn’t invited but we took her kids. Not like one I’ve seen before. It’s a small boat, we’re sitting even with the water and the top deck has no seating but sits above the water. There’s metal docks just floating in the sea. And a big body guard walks the small boat, hunched over, making sure we stay clear of the docks. He looks funny, such a big guy in a small boat. We all watch a dock come towards us, our boat not moving. Slowly we see and feel the metal dock hit rhetorical boat. I’ll never forget the look on the guards face as he waits to hear for damage. We all hear the water trickling in before he does. My oldest sister and I are sitting closest to the leak. We can’t talk, can’t scream, just look at each other and try to motion to the guard to see the water pouring in. He’s still looking, face pressed against the side of the boat, waiting to hear. Completely useless as the boat starts to fill with water. My mom gets the courage to speak first. She says “this is just how I wanted to go, to die with all the people I love most” my oldest sister and I stare at eachother shocked. Then knowing my older sister will be alone, kidless, the sadness kicks in. *I wake myself up and my husband up by yelling “UMMMMM” trying to finally get the guard to notice.

6 DPO- sadness

It’s our wedding day. And my husband won’t talk to me. He hasn’t said one word, he actually looks at me in disgust. He tells his mom to tell me he’s skipping the ceremony but here’s the signed marriage certificate. And to leave him alone, “he just needs time”. Time for what? I spend all night trying to talk to him to just be met with a cold shoulder. He never speaks a word to me but parties the night away. I don’t want guests to notice so I try to enjoy my wedding, but can’t help feeling sad he would chose this day to hate me. He never hates me. Our life is perfect. So many questions I have. None of them answered. Wake up to my alarm

7 DPO

Everyone knows we’re pregnant and due any day now. Covid is at an all time high, we’re going to refuse anyone to visit for a while. Noone will get to meet our baby. We think it’s best to not even tell anyone he’s been born. They don’t even know it’s a boy we’ve kept it a surprise until birth. Everyone thought it would be a girl. He’s so handsome. Perfect, but he’s sick. He doesn’t cry and his nose always bleeds. Why won’t the doctors take this seriously? We never know if he’s hungry. I have severe PPD. I can’t keep the secret anymore. I FaceTime some people in my family. As soon as they answer they see the baby. who looks about a month old now. They talk, ask questions. I don’t say a word. I just hang up and call the next person. I forgot I was making a bottle. But is the baby even hungry he’s not crying. Wasn’t I breast feeding? Where did this formula come from? I tell my husband I need a break I can’t look at our sick baby anymore. I don’t know how long my husbands had him. He says I just put him down. I go to look and he’s swaddled, so poorly, propped on pillows in his crib. A bloody nose. What a hazard this crib is. A baby shouldn’t be propped up like this unsupervised. I want to yell at my husband, tell him to pay more attention. But I don’t. I vow to never let him watch him alone again. I decide as soon as he turns 18 I’ll kill myself. And that keeps me going thru the years. When he’s 5 the family gets to meet him for the first time. No one notices me. He loves them all. I take this time to sit and suck in the spare bedroom. Hoping I’ll die here of hunger, knowing none of them will miss me. Baby will be better off. Wake up to my alarm