Emotional limbo

So my grandpa was my best friend for 22 of my 24 years on this planet. During that last year he I found out he did something horrible. One of those things that society says I should dance on his grave for or flush his ashes. But I can't hate him. I don't know if I am allowed to cry over his death. Because I don't see the monster. I see the person who didn't judge me when I came out. I see the person that I would watch movies with. I see the person that thought me how to put together an engin and picked me up from school when I was sick. I see the person who listened. I don't see a monster I see my grandpa. And I know I am expected to hate him for the horrible things he has done but I can't. I don't know if it's appropriate to cry that he died I want to I don't wanna feel the shame for being sad he is gone. Idk someone tell me how to feel I am so tired of this emotional limbo