Am I the asshole?

Hey ladies,

I’m in a dilemma atm with my partner. And I apologise for this being a long story but I feel you need the deets.

I’m certain he (24M) is the love of my (23F) life. We have a great relationship together and we’re like besties. But like any relationship, we’re not perfect. We have our flaws, and we’re only 1 year in so we’re still learning each others’ life experiences and how we deal with them.

This week in particular has been very challenging for me: relatives in hospital, my mum is sick and stressed and emotional, looking for the right apartment so I can move out, my work is particularly stressful and busy, and I won’t see my bf for another 2 weeks due to his new job, so I miss him a lot. All of these things have a rippling effect into my own mental health, lowering my self esteem. Generally I’m just exhausted and burned out. Every day I’ve called my bf and told him what’s happening, but he hasn’t actually asked if I’m okay, even though you can definitely tell in my voice something is wrong. I’m usually so bubbly and excited. I thought he would notice and acknowledge it

Today was extra stressful having witnessed my mum go through an emotional breakdown, and a particular relative has made my family’s life absolute hell given the grief he causes my mum. So today I was extra sensitive. I told my bf the situation and he let me rant. A few hours later I called him and asked how his work is going, how’s his family etc. then the conversation went silent and for 5 solid minutes neither of us said anything. I was waiting for him to ask me about how I’m feeling, if I’m ok, how’s my mum doing, how’s my relative in hospital doing. Nothing. Until he said “are you alright baby? You’ve been sad lately” (this is the first time he asked me all week) i said “no”, he asked “why” (I thought it would be pretty obvious why I’m upset given what happened a few hours earlier, and the last few days) so I reminded him why I’m upset.

His typical answers are things like “aww I’m sorry baby” “I love you and I miss you” “that sucks baby” “you know I’m here for you” “I don’t really know what to say, sorry” “I’m sorry to hear that” - I was kind of hoping for a bit more than that - and then it turns into him giving me examples of how exercising more would help my depression (I know this is a fact). In that moment, laying in a ball in my bed, tearing up, feeling worthless and sad and angry, it’s kind of the last thing I wanted to hear - a solution. He also gave me examples of his friends’ trauma and how they deal with it. Which I found kind of invalidating. This was followed by my reasons for not exercising more often (too much detail), obviously I want to exercise more often I really do, but let’s be real it’s not easy to start just going to the gym again when you work overnight. In that moment, I wanted comfort, I wanted more support, asking me questions, maybe try to make me laugh, elaborate on my situation and focus on my emotional health instead of giving me logical solutions. After being emotional? Yes give me your logical reasons.

I sometimes have trouble communicating how I’m feeling, and I didn’t have the heart to tell him he wasn’t helping me. I just wanted to hang up the phone because I felt like such a burden. There was more minutes of silence. Before I said “I think I’m just gonna go” and straight away he said “ok baby, I love you and I miss you…(my response)….ok goodnight, bye bye” and hung up. Just like that. Not “are you sure you want to go? Is there anything I can do for you? I hope you feel better soon” nope.

I know some people are going to say “he sounds like he’s really trying and you’re just being difficult”. Step in my shoes. If you were feeling depressed and life is hitting you hard, you’ve hit rock bottom, how would you want him to help you? How can you help him help you, in that emotional/mental state where you feel like nothing can help you in the moment.

Thanks🙏