is this normal ?

so I never grew up with a mom. So unlucky me I can’t ask a my mother about becoming a woman or if what I feel is normal.

The first time I had sex it was painful, but afterwards I felt absolutely disgusted with myself, i didn’t eat for days and my bf at the time felt bad. We tried again but i didn’t have that much enjoyment, even what i feel like i didn’t feel anything. I’m not sure if it’s me or him that was the problem but the only time i ever had enjoyment with anything was with yk the top… I feel like not feeling anything or not having orgazims isnt normal.

I wish I could describe what I felt after, i just felt like i needed to shower and cry. I read online that you get emotional after so maybe im paranoid..

can someone please help I’ve been worried like crazy because I can’t stop thinking about this .