Going crazy ( single mom of 2) * TW*

My kids are slightly older. 3 and 4 but im alone with thrm, i dont have friends and my family is toxic and dysfunctional i cant tell them how i feel nor do they ask. I lost my job, waiting on another, i feel like im worrying a hole into my stomach with bills and everything i wish God would be merciful wnd take me. I deal with intrusive thoughts and images ********T.W.***************************************(****************** * That consist of self harm thoughts and images like cutting my wrist ect. And thats not the worst but ill leave it there. I worry about being too honest and having my kids taken from me. My BD helps a little financially but i tried to live with him it was bad. He was rude, disrespectful, looking at other women and then when i tried to just use him for help while i work i came home to him seizing on the floor due to alcohol withdrawls.. So i feel very alone. I feel weak bc i know women with more kids that are mentally sane. I went to the ER they gave atarax which didnt work, i tried ashwhaghabda gummies that didnt work, i cant do inpatient bc i have to take care of my kids no one else will. I feel fucked but my anxiety and craziness is getting out of hand i domt want to lose touch with reality or something. Thats my worst fear. I also have no insurance an alt is 300 which i dont have.. Help. EDIT: Why did i get down voted when im posting in the right place and going through a crisis rn?@ Wanda: How do i message you? I cant messsge you. It only has 2 option to block or report :/