I am never going to stop missing them

It's been literal years since my girls died. I have 2 sons now. And I love them so much. Like I would fight gods for them. But I miss my girls they would be 6 this year I catch myself dreaming of brushing their hair and trying to learn how to do a French braid. I imagine dresses and father daughter dances. I picture their faces playing with bubbles and playing dress up. I imagine the sibling arguments. Don't get me wrong I love my boys but I would have loved to raise my daughters. I miss them and I never listened to their cry's. I miss them and I never got the chance to really meet them. The girls in the yellow polka dot dresses with the ribbons in my dreams I never met them I don't know their voices but I know their names Jasmine and Bella. I don't know when the felling that something missing will go away. I don't know why I am so upset with this maybe because I really wanted a daughter and now I have to wait until my son's meet the one or maybe I wish I had a mom to braid my hair I don't know maybe I really want to try for a girl but I know financially we can't afford another kid even though I really want a daughter. But I also know that it's a 50/50 shot and I don't wanna be upset if it's another boy. Maybe I need a therapist or something or I just need to sleep. I don't know.