Depressed with younger boyfriend. Please read

I have a son with my previous husband who abused me and we weren’t together for a year before I left him, I left while pregnant and raised my baby alone.

My family doesn’t support me , my mum abused me and my sisters growing up so all this parenting is on me.

After years of being single I started speaking to a guy who was introduced to me online through a friend and we hit it off, with this lack of attention I’ve got all this time I was for the first time in ages excited to see where this goes and not long after speaking we got together and met in person for the first time months later, since then every weekend he comes to see me or tries his best to as we live far away.

He lied initially about if he could afford to come up resulting in me offering to pay for the travel because I didn’t want the embarrassment of telling my parents the guy I was planning to meet lied about how his ‘job’ was going and ended up leaving it to last minute to tell me he couldn’t meet.

Just before we had our one year anniversary , around my 30th birthday I had this wave come over me where I realised these next 10 years are crucial to me I can’t be risking spending it with the wrong person, we’ve discussed having kids and he says how he wants them and wants to move in but doesn’t show any incentive to want to learn to drive ( he’s 7 years younger than me) and he currently lives with his mum and brother and his brothers girlfriend so when his mum sends him job offers by me and calls him up asking if he’s looked into it he never does and lies about it. All of this plus what I was feeling and how he sometimes comes across all just built up and when speaking to my friends about it I decided to call it a day.

We were apart for 3 days before he came back here and we got back together but even then I felt numb. He sometimes clashes with my son if my son plays up or if he annoys us by being loud which as a mum I’m used to and he says the obvious about how he’s not his father, my son says I love you to my boyfriend but he never says it back. He says that when WE have our own kids then he will become strict and not let them get away with the stuff I let my child get away with, criticising my parenting by saying that.

He’s self employed and over this last year he’s spent several weeks at mine just on the Xbox or chilling while I’ve been at work getting enough money only to support myself and my son, he has been known to lie to his boss so he can stay longer and ends up using every penny to travel to see me resulting in hand outs and him owing people money.

Over the last several months his pay has been very bad and i can only afford a food shop for me and my son but when he stays and asks what I’m having for dinner I straight up tell him I can only afford basics and there’s maybe still some other bits from the week before he can have and sure enough he does.

Even recently he has actually paid me a little something because he admitted how he hates that he just stays and eats my food while being unable to contribute.

I have wanted a baby so long and I feel like now was a good time as any to see that happening but with all this happening and seeing him not seem serious about us moving forward it hurts my heart.

I have OCD and this is due to the amount of pressure I have raising a child alone as well as being abused. I’ve got better over the last year all of which I’ve done alone and with the help of my friends.

When I first spoke to my boyfriend and told him about my OCD he made fun of it by mimicking the things I do during a video call and I told him off for it, he later implied the door was left unlocked ( which is my worst fear ). It wasn’t until he got to know me when he realised how much it affects me and later apologised

Now I’ve just got to a point where I feel sad all the time , I’m really unhappy with my job and because it’s very difficult to find another job that would support the hours I can do I feel trapped.

I hang up on my boyfriend without saying by goodbye I’ve become distant , he always tried to smother me with kisses but his beard agitates me and I just want to move away. He spends his evenings now on the Xbox speaking with his friend , he never gets my mood right and said I manipulate him by saying one thing and meaning another which pissed me off as I never do that. I’ve just distanced myself and don’t feel any different for it.

What should I do ?