This is going to be long, but I’m tired of feeling like this. I need some type of outlet because I can’t talk to anyone about this in fear of anyone looking at my husband differently. So me and my husband have been together for 13 years and in the beginning of our relationship and into our marriage, my husband had a porn addiction that he could not quit no matter what. He knew in the beginning porn (ESPECIALLY behind my back and lying about it) was a deal breaker for me. I understand some people are okay with it so please don’t tell me I should be okay with it, I am not and never will be. My husband has known this since the beginning of our relationship.. so when we were dating, at first I would find porn in his history or on his computer just occasionally and I finally said something and let him know that in our relationship I’m not okay with it. He said okay he would stop.. (that scenario happened multiple times) but then it got to the point where he’d do anything to watch it behind my back and hide it and lie to me. It got to the point where the only place he could watch it was at work so he took his xbox to work and used it to watch it. Finding all these different ways to watch it behind my back went on for many years. It became a pattern, I’d find out he was watching it again, we’d get into a huge fight (I even left with our son for 3 days one time) he’d promise me he’d stop and then months later the same exact thing would happen all over again. It caused a lot of fights in our marriage. I would always ask him how it was even worth it to keep watching it and lying to me when all it did was tear us apart and cause fights and hurt. How could he even want to after promising me many times he wouldn’t and knowing it was a betrayal to me? it has caused me so much hurt over the years built up inside of me. It’s to the point I wake up every single day wondering about it. The last time I actually found porn was years ago and I never bring it up anymore because I chose to pick my battles instead of asking him all the time if he has been watching it (which he’d lie about anyway) and it was just something I had to learn to accept, that if he’s doing it behind my back then it would just hurt me to know anyway but I can’t help but wonder literally everyday.. is he watching it weekly/monthly/occasionally or never(highly doubt it’s never) I’ve always had this feeling he still does.

Well tonight I was going through his phone, with his permission, to find a text about login information for our bank account and a message popped up from his coworker about “bringing him the tablet to work tomorrow” and my mind immediately went back to an old place and hurt from all the lies and betrayal for all those years came over me and i started almost crying. Because my mind went straight to him using the tablet to watch porn. because he can’t watch it on anything at home, we have parental controls on everything because we have 3 kids. besides his computer that he games on. So I immediately said what tablet is your coworker bringing you??and my husband said oh it’s this really expensive $1,200 tablet he told me he’d give me and he keeps forgetting to bring it. I said if someone is giving you a tablet that expensive why would you not mention it to me? I feel like he was gonna hide the tablet from me if I never saw that message. He said he was gonna use it to play his games in and I said “or watch porn!!” and he got all defensive. which is EXACTLY how he acts whenever he’s guilty. I’m just so exhausted with this and wish I didn’t have to feel this way. I know my husband and I know he can’t have a device freely like that with out viewing porn. We can both pretend it doesn’t happen but deep down I know he still finds ways to watch it behind my back. but I don’t mention it to him to keep peace. Years of us fighting about it didn’t solve a single thing. I’m just exhausted. Trust issues suck. There’s WAY more to this than what I wrote and I know this is all over the place but I just feel so alone with these feelings. 😢