Hi everyone

I’ve been in a relationship with my partner on and off for 8 years (solid for almost 5 years). We have a large age gap I’m 30 and he is 50. I know this may seem surprising to some people but to us and our friends/family it is just the norm. We met at work, we both work in healthcare and the reason I was attracted to him in the first place was because he looks a lot younger than his age.

Fast forward, during the early stages of our relationship I was so indecisive, I really loved him but I kept breaking up with him as I was so nervous about the age difference and what that would mean for us. I’ve never been in to “partying” or anything like that so we weren’t too different in our activities and I was quite analytical/an overthinker even in my early 20s. After seeing someone else and finally getting over my ex who I was with for years as a teenager and in to my 20s I decided that my current partner was where my heart was. He is a very logical, calm and sensible person and I was convinced with these personality traits I would have a peaceful life with him compared to my somewhat controlling and short tempered ex (at the time, not judging what he is like now).

We now have 2 absolutely beautiful children together, he already has 2 much older children (younger than me) - girl and a boy and now we have an almost 3 year old boy and 5 month old baby girl together. They are my absolute world and everything I could have dreamed of.

Since having children especially our second, our relationship has taken a bit of a hit, I guess I never truly could see what type of parent he was until seeing him parenting from the beginning with our children. My partner is African and men in his culture don’t typically look after children like women do but he stepped up when his toxic ex left him with his children in the past.

I’ve noticed that his beliefs are that the children’s basic needs should be met and that’s the most important (feeding, warmth, cleanliness etc) so in all this areas he’s a very hands on, caring dad. However when it comes to entertaining them, putting in the effort to make nice memories with them, he’s very lazy and doesn’t always see the benefit. I am always the one planning days out/holidays, playing with the kids. Don’t get me wrong he plays with them but only to his capacity/limit. I sometimes dream of having a partner that goes all in with their children and appears to have more energy for them. He is also very very tight with money, he originates from a very poor country but he’s now done really well for himself. Getting him to pay for things is such hard work, he will do it but the process is exhausting and I envy couples who I see doing nice things which appears from minimal effort. He is not a gentlemen at all in some ways and I find him incredibly selfish sometimes.

Lately I have been wondering how compatible we truly are, I sometimes wonder if I made the right choice being so young. When I’ve confronted him about some of these concerns he says it is nothing to do with his age and he’s always been the same way. I love my children and I don’t want them to have a broken family but I honestly do not feel satisfied in my relationship at all at the moment.

Should I leave him?

PS sorry for the long post, thank you in advance 💓