I am very selfish…

I am a first time mom to a beautiful almost 4 month old baby boy. I have the worst anxiety that he is going to pass away. It is my absolute worst fear. I have panic attacks thinking about it. I am extremely selfish though, because if anything does happen to my boy, I go with him. I cannot do this life without him. I know I 10,000% cannot take that kind of pain. I know it’s selfish of me to do to my family, husband, and anyone that cares for me, but I hope that they will understand that I just can’t go on without my son. I wouldn’t be me anymore anyway. I know I’d completely shut down and not be able to function at all. I’d just be a shell.