Skip the first trimester ..

The first trimester, the one I wish I could skip.. friends are not aware or when made aware, they can’t help telling you to be cautious or wish you « good luck » and barley check up on how you are feeling, because after all, it is only the first trimester, as if the pregnancy was not « legit » yet for them to worry about it. The nausea really puts a toll on me. It feels like being hungover and having an indigestion all at the same time. It feels long, endless. The exhaustion after a much needed afternoon nap is restless. I can’t do much around the house or at work, won’t spend energy taking care of myself which makes me feel even sicker, seeing the reflection of my pale skin in the mirror and hair up in a bun because it is convenient. I cry sometimes when I feel like I can’t do it anymore, I am done feeling sick, out of control. I know for being my second pregnancy that this will not last: in about 2 weeks, I will be 10 weeks pregnant and the nausea will decrease giving me a break at times and by week 12, it should all be gone. I try to see the nausea as a blessing for it means that my baby is still developing and getting stronger, always fearing that everything may stop at any moment and I would not be pregnant anymore. But it is a mental struggle, cheering myself up, convincing myself that this is temporary but still feeling like I don’t know how I will get through this. I am constantly thinking about food (which makes me even sicker), reviewing food images in my mind to find out what makes me feel less sick and could be a great option for my next meal. Not understanding why my 100 to 120 grams of daily protein diet habit suddenly repulses me, why the meat I loved cooking is a deal breaker, and why I am so attracted to apples and pizzas (they never were my favorites).

Feeling the injustice of having to go through this, knowing that some women barely feel any symptoms during the first trimester and wondering why I have to feel this way.

Time feels extremely long, and I which I could scream from the top of my lungs how done I am with the sick feeling. I keep going to the gym, despite the nausea, 2 to 3 times a week (compared to 5 times pre-pregnancy). It is extremely hard pulling myself out of the house but I know it will help me feel better and moving helps the nausea. I feel less connected to my body because I am no longer in control and it is hard letting go.

I think of people going through a real life or health challenge such as a cancer and try to reason myself: « you are not sick, you are pregnant, it is beautiful and natural to go through this ». But still, why does it have to be this hard…