Relationship advice

Part of me thinks this is stupid because I can already see the comments telling me to breakup, and I understand that and honestly probably agree.

I’m just wondering at what point do you know if a relationship is able to be fixed with therapy and whatnot or just call it quits? My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and been through a lot. My dad died within the first few months and his dad went to prison just to name a couple of the million things. Lots of job insecurity moving states just stress after stress after stress and we are finally starting to settle but we are finding ourselves still in such a chaotic state still, despite our external lives calming down a bit. fighting more than we’ve ever had, putting all these expectations on each other. Horrible communication etc and I don’t know if it always would have been there and we just didn’t have time to notice it because of our grief and stress getting in the way but now we are in this amazing apartment and moved to the state we always talked about and we just both feel like we aren’t getting needs met.

Now there is so much that I can own up to about my own poor communication and unhealthy communication skills etc but the reason I think it could mean breakup is nights like tonight where we got in a fight, both said hurtful things but my reaction is to want to talk about it and get on the same page and he just bolts. Whenever it gets heated, he’s done, and that’s been our dynamic the entire relationship. Well usually he’s back after a few hours and everything is good and he apologized but he left at 8pm, at 9:45 said he was getting drinks and would be home soon. It’s now after 2am, his phone is dead (he told me it was dying before he said he was going to be on his way) and I’m understandably livid.

I have a problem sometimes of seeing peoples faults and instantly being like, my future husband would never do that to me that’s the worst thing you could do etc but is this not a legitimately horrible thing to do to someone? I’ve been in bed crying since midnight no idea where he is if he’s in jail pulled over if he’s alive or dead or what.

I feel like in my early twenties I would have been so done but I’m thirty years old I thought this was leading to marriage and kids and an amazing life together not this place that we are in. And if anyone’s wondering we have been dating three years but known him for ten so I feel like I know his heart and that he’s a good person and loves me which is the worst part because I feel like it’s worth trying for but he clearly does not if he would do this to me…

What would you do in my situation? Because as of now I have his clothes packed in a suitcase on the porch.