Worried & Vent.

I'm really worried.

I am an FTM, I am going to be 24 weeks/6months in two days. I do not look pregnant, you can hardly see my belly. It has grown, but not a lot. I have put on a little bit of weight on my hips and bum but that's about it. My boobs have gone massive....bigger than my actual belly; which I find extremely weird. Why has my belly not grown? :( Does my daughter have enough space to move around? Is my belly not big enough because she is small?

In my first trimester I had a really tough time, puking up all the time, couldn't eat anything, exhausted all of the time, high temperatures, constant UTI's. It was absolutelty horrible. I am so glad that I am over that stage of my pregnancy because it was extremely difficult and really horrible.

Now, in my second trimester I am extremely exhausted all of the time. I have literally no energy to do anything. I am always in pain somewhere, whether it is my back, my sides hurting, legs aching or braxton hicks. I feel so tired so I go to bed early, only to toss and turn all night and finally fall asleep in the early hours of the morning. I feel so lazy. I want to do so much. I want to be active so that I can have an easy labour. I want to be like I was before (busy schedule) but I just do not have the energy.

I have a hard time doing simple things such as washing the dishes. I have to sit down and wash them if I do them because I can't even stand for five minutes without feeling like I am going to pass out. I have literally no appetite. I am forcing myself to eat. Breakfast is the only meal that I really feel hungry for and where I actually eat properly. Apart from that, I hardly eat all day. Is there something wrong with my baby? Why doesn't she feel hungry?

I was working but had to unfortunately quit work because I started getting a lot of black outs, getting dizzy, etc. It was really weird. The black outs lasted for at least 15mins. I once hit my car whilst getting out of work because of this so I decided that I should quit work. I had earned enough to buy my daughter everything so I thought it was best for me to rest and take it easy. I have been to the doctors about this, she said my BP was slightly low which might have been why I was experiencing that.

I have a diabetes blood test thing next month but I don't think I want to go through with it, after some of the things I read about it, I'm not sure if it will be beneficial for me. So I'm thinking about not going to it. Then again, I'm not sure about what to do in regards to it.

Me and my husband currently live in two different countries (long story). I miss him so much. I wish I had his support. He doesn't understand because he doesn't see me going through anything. Sometimes he is so supportive but sometimes he turns around and is so mean to me. He says things like "force yourself to eat", "if anything happens to my daughter because you're not eating then I'll never forgive you", "you're lying that you can't sleep, you just do it on purpose", "you should be more fit/active so you have an easy labour", "you go to sleep so late and wake up late in the morning and we don't talk much and its all of your fault"

I love him so much but it hurts me so much when he says things like that. I feel like I'm doing all of this for him and he doesn't even appreciate it.

I live with my parents at the moment. Due to having no energy, I don't help out much in the house anymore which I know isn't nice but I honestly struggle to even get out of bed, make my own breakfast or even do basic things such as brushing my hair! My mum always hints out at me that I don't help out. She thinks I'm lying or doing it on purpose. Every time she is talking to someone she will embarrass me by saying that she is not the same as she used to be and that the house is always dirty because she doesn't have the energy to do everything like before, then she says that no one helps her so what can she do, etc. I already feel bad and guilty that I don't help out much and she makes me feel worse. Sometimes she tells me to do chores on purpose because she thinks I am making up excuses or acting ill on purpose. It makes me feel upset that my mum acts like this. I know it's not fair on her either but she's been pregnant four times, she knows what it's like so why can't she understand? I have never been close to my mum, I've always seen my elder sister more like my mum and have always treated her like that.

My aunties said that they don't mind coming with me when I go into labour and my mum got really offended. My mum wants to come with me when I'm in labour but I don't want her to be there because I will feel extremely awkward. I can't explain this to my mum because she just gets upset. I don't actually want anyone to be there. I wanted my husband to be with me but obviously that isn't possible so I wanted to be on my own because I find the whole thing very embarrassing and awkward. However, if I was to take someone it would be my sister but I know if I take my sister, my mum will her very upset and hurt. I don't know what to do about this.

Sorry for the awfully long post. I just feel so overwhelmed. So many thoughts in my mind :(