I feel broken.

My husband and I had our 1 year anniversary yesterday. He was gone most of the day running his miscellaneous errands to and fro.. And then left at night to watch the fights (that we were watching together) at his friends house.. 😒. 

We have been together for 3 years off and on, only ever off because we lived an hour away and I didn't see any real way we could physically be together (I have 2 children from before him) (he has a daughter) and we lived an hour and a half away from each other in different cities where our children's other parents are. I suffer from being painfully realistic. So we never split due to cheating or lying or any other typical deal breakers, it was always chalked up to poor timing.. I needed him tho. Not a day went by that I didn't think about him and pray that one day we might be able to be together, be a family. Just together.

He had a rough past before me, varying vices, bad habits he had sworn off long before I met him, so when I met him he was perfect. 

We got married last March and I moved in May to be with him after opening a huge court battle with my children's 'father' that would allow us to move.. (Their father doesn't pay childsupport or help out in any way, he is unreliable and irresponsible in every sense of the word.) 

My husband was able to battle a serious drug addiction, get clean, relapse, get clean, relapse.. the whole vicious cycle. No WE are fighting it and it was/is utterly heartbreaking. I have seen how we are clean. He is my dream man, the love of my life, my team mate and my best friend. I know he is the same person when we are using, just masked, trapped inside a body that isn't him.. We are trying desperately to get out hoping this all ends for us, soon, but I feel him giving up when I haven't even come close to giving up. I took our vows to heart. It is sickness, it is poorer, he is mine to cherish and to hold and to keep, GOOD AND BAD. I accept him but I wish this demon would leave us alone. It's tearing us apart.

He can justify acting any certain way, treating me any certain way at any given point. It's always my fault when we are using. 

I am going to go to an NA meeting tomorrow afternoon, I have been researching, and have tried every approach possible. I need help. We need help. Or we aren't going to make it. I love my husband. I need my best friend.

(I have never physically snorted or abused any prescription or OTC medication in my life. I say WE in my post bc it's not HE or I, but WE that are struggling as a unit.)

I guess pray for us. Please that is all that can really help save this at this point.. I'm feeling more lost every day. Please pray if you pray, send any kind of good energy or positive vibes or whatever you believe in, I'll take it all at this point. 

(Anonymous of course. I'm a coward when it comes to airing out my business but need to get heavy stuff off my chest.)

Thank you.