A open letter/rant to my cousin that raped me

I'll never understand why. Why did you hurt me? Why did you think it was okay? Why do you ignore me like a coward instead of facing me? All I want is answers...its been a little over a year yet all I've gotten is sleepless nights from the horrible nightmares and tears if any little thing reminds me of that day. I want to be normal again but I don't think I will ever be the same. I often sit and wonder was it me ? Did I do something to make you believe it was okay? NO I need to stop blaming myself it wasn't me it was you! I will never forget and I will always hate you you are my cousin my blood you were suppose to protect me that night but did the opposite. Now I'm being told nothing can happen because I was drinking and you were too because there was not a "witness" when it happened because I was to afraid to yell NO STOP should I have ?yeah probably but no one understands what it's like you can say your going to do a certain thing in a situation but when it comes down to it you react differently  but strangely you weren't violent with me you were trying to make love to me (gross) which really freaked me out and I'm not sure which  would have been worse..I was terrified I didn't know if I did say anything if things would become violent but I did know if I laid there and pretended to be asleep I was going to be alive tomorrow...this world is so messed up I'm left with the emotional and mental scars and you get to walk around with no shame no consequences nothing legally can be done or this is what I'm told so when I beg you to please just give me answers why do you ignore me ?you are a coward and karma will come it may not be today or tomorrow or even a year from now but in some way it will and I will be patiently waiting until that day. I'm trying to heal from this taking it day by day but I feel alone I feel as if no one will truly understand why I did things the way I did I've told a few and gotten "why didn't you say no" or "why didn't you get up and leave" because I was scared okay that's why someone I grew up with someone who is suppose to protect me violated me and you're gonna ask me why I didn't do anything ?! Why did he?! Please answer that.