Childhood Sexual Trauma

I am in my early 30's and I have P.T.S.D from basically my whole childhood but specifically from a series of rapes that occurred when I was 14. My rapist at tht time was 42. I think im fucked in the head permanently from it. I hate being eaten out by my SO. It's nt tht he doesn't know wht he's doing but I just have no feeling dwn there when it happens? I mean he cn be down there, going in on it hardcore and I cn be just perfectly still. No emotions. No pleasure. I just go into a trance? Go in my mind? I hve told my SO before tht I don't like it and why and he takes it personally so now I fake it when he's down there. I try my damndest to pay attention to him while he's dwn there but it's hard. I dnt want to hurt his feelings or make him mad so I just shut up and deal and fake it and boost his ego like he's the best pussy eater ever but I fucking hate oral sex performed on me. Ugh. Im a giver. Not a receiver. Does anyone understand? Am I fucked up or is this normal? And yes I hve been to counseling for this and yea I hve brought up this topic but it didn't help my mind.