Mental break down

     I'm having one......I don't know the cause I don't know what's happening with me. I suffer from depression as is, but I try to fight it back without medication because It makes me feel out of it.....Today I just find myself overcome with grief and I cannot talk with any one about it. I keep trying to tell my husband how I feel and he just doesn't get it or doesn't want to get it, I keep trying to will it away but I can't. I wish I could feel better and be better but I can't. He says" just go to sleep "or  "I can't deal with this right now"as if I can. Today I found myself missing my father (who's in heaven) and I thought to myself how great it would feel to be with him ya know? I need one of his hugs today, but how selfish of me to feel that way.....right? I mean why? What about my kids? Who'll care for them, and I know it's wrong I know I'm not going to do it (kill my self) so why even think it? I can't go see a doctor they'll want to keep me and I cannot afford to because of the kids. I'm just praying that I can stay strong enough to not want to end it, I've been here before & I like to think I bend but don't break..... (How ironic I'm talking about killing myself as if that's not already broken) but I'm so tired ........all the time. I don't want pitty hell I don't even want to talk to any one about it except for my husband (WHO WONT LISTEN),because as soon as you say something people play the crazy card and then any and everything you do is done because you're crazy. Who do you call when everyone has their own issues? I normally write, and it helps so much I've been writing since I was little...God I wish I could write right now, but my computer has decided to stop working when I need it the most. Which brought me here and is the reason I'm rambling........ If there are any believers on here if you don't mind can you say a little prayer for my family tonight when you pray for yours? I would greatly appreciate it. No comments needed prayers are nice though.