I've been concerned off and on about developing PPD. I was diagnosed with anxiety years ago which makes me think I'm even more prone to it. For the past week, I have been a complete mess. I can't stop crying. I can't sleep, even though I am beyond exhausted. I feel like I'm alone. I constantly feel guilty about everything and anything you can think of. I am a police officer and am absolutely terrified to return to work because the job has become so dangerous in general but I'm also scared due to my mental state. I don't feel like I can handle myself out there mentally. My hubby and I have discussed moving and leaving law enforcement however we have no idea what other career path to take. I feel like a complete loser bc I have no other skills besides being a cop. I have a degree but can't do much with a bachelors in psychology. My baby has been super fussy this week and I feel like a failure bc nothing I do works. I am alone all week while hubby works. Friends, my parents all work during the week and I have no outlet. I live in AZ where it's 120 degrees so I can't go anywhere. I love my baby and I feel like a horrible mom for crying constantly, when I feed her,hold her, everything. I've never felt angry or detached from her but I miss the way life used to be. I miss sleeping in the same bed as my hubby. Hell, I just miss being held and touched by him. We are constantly taking turns caring for her. She won't let us put her down and if she does we are exhausted and just wanna sleep. I don't wanna lose us. We love each other so much but I miss him 😭. I worry things will never be the same. He's such a great man and I feel guilty for crying and feeling this way. Last night he took care of her from 11-6 so I could catch up on sleep and I still couldn't even sleep. I maybe got 4 choppy hours off and on but don't feel rested at all. I feel horrible that he gave me such a great gift and I couldn't even take advantage of it while hewas missing  out on sleep. Why do I suck at this! Everything that can possibly go wrong lately, has. I can't catch a break. I feel so hopeless. I hate to admit it but I have had some thoughts of me no longer being here. I could never take my own life but more along the lines wouldn't be so bad it something happened (car accident or some random freak thing) so I don't have to make these tough decisions about moving, so I don't have to feel guilty anymore etc...I don't know if my hormones are just going crazy this week or PPD.