The groups on Glow have been my lifeline. My mom was here for my 8 weeks ultrasound when we found out the heartbeat was slow. She's been through the loss of a baby before so she was extremely helpful in the entire process. The following week we went to a follow up after having been told after that ultrasound that it didn't look good. At the follow up (9 days later) we found out there was zero growth from the scan before and no longer a heartbeat. I was terrified of the pill because we don't have a good hospital in the immediate area in case of heavy bleeding (I was travelling an hour away to the best hospital around) so I opted for D&C so that I'd be in a controlled environment and honestly... sleeping through it sounded ideal.

The procedure was pretty easy. The worst part was probably the painful gas I had from the anesthesia a few days later. Other than that it was no worse than a normal period physically. Emotionally this has been the hardest thing I've ever gone through. I'm honestly not sure if I'm grieving normally or if I'm depressed. My mom extended her stay from 1 to 3 weeks and was with me until the weekend after the procedure. My husband doesn't know how to handle me right now.. and that's ok.. I'm not mad at him for it. He's dealing with all of this in his own way.. but I find myself staying up almost all night thinking and crying quietly while he sleeps beside me. By day, totally fine/normal mode... by night.. horribly emotional train wreck. I spend my days in bed only doing things on the weekend.

I'm sorry for the novel.. I really needed somewhere to just talk about this silent pain. I feel like I'm lying to friends when they ask how I am and I tell them I'm fine.. but the reality is, most of them can't relate.. I don't think they really want the truth and I feel guilty for feeling this sad about a pregnancy loss that was so early. I feel like I have to be silent about it but I also wish everyone knew so maybe they would just give me some space and stop forcing me to hurry up and be normal again.