Mental health...

Something isn't right in my head. I have known that for a long time and I keep trying to get my parents to take me to a doctor. They both have clinical depression and anxiety, my dad has panic disorder. They should know what I'm talking about. My mom and dad just brush it off as 'being a teenager'.

My life is basically going down the drain, as I posted before in the CC room, my parents are Jehovah's witnesses, and they will more than likely not associate with me after I leave their religion. I have no idea where I am going in life.

I have self harmed before. First was in February, when I thought my best friend was hurting himself too. Then again in March, everything was bleak and I don't even remember much of that month because I tend to block out bad memories.

On that note, when I was 7 years old my parents divorced. My dad cheated and they weren't good for each other. My older sister says they yelled at each other everyday and most of the time my mom slept on the couch once I was asleep. My mom would cry everyday. I do not remember any of this. I remember my childhood as happy, my memories mostly of being outside in the summertime. Happy and funny times. My sister says that I was so innocent and oblivious. That life at home was terrible and she would stay away as much as possible. She wished that she could take me away somewhere else.

When most people describe depression they say its like holding up a mask with a happy face on it, but being a mess behind it, and I get that, I've felt it, I feel it all the time. But they also say they have a feeling of hopelessness and despair. Lately, I've been having these moments where all of a sudden I feel like I'm screaming and I'm not, but it feels like I'm screaming and no one is listening. Like that dream everyone has where you're running towards or away from something and you stay in the same place, that's how it feels. For like 40 seconds then it goes away. It doesn't feel like a panic attack because my heart rate actually slows down during it. I know how an anxiety attack and panic attack feel. I got panic attacks a lot in 7th grade, three years ago. This is different.

Last week I was lying in the tub as the water drained out and wondered what it would be like if I killed myself. How I would do it. I have never wanted to take my life before. The thought just crossed my mind. That same night I had a panic attack

I know this is not a place to be 'diagnosed' or treated, but I just wanted to hear what you all think about my situation? How can I get my parents to LISTEN? I'm honestly scared of myself right now.

Thanks in advance