Open letter to the man I first loved

My first love,

I wanted to tell you a few things. More like, explain myself. 

Firstly, I hope you are well. I hope you found who you are and you have healed or at least you are in the process of healing from the hurt you've endured. For I know you struggled each day. 

I want you to understand that I wasn't much into you at first but that quickly changed. I fell hard for you. I would've given you the moon if I could. You became my everything. You were my first thought in the morning and my last at night. 

I didn't know how to breathe without you. On days that I couldn't see you, I struggled to get through. You were my reason to live on my hardest days. 

We were happy. You told me you loved me and I you. You talked about marrying me and I couldn't have been happier. You told me once you finished school, you'd buy a ring. You said I was the love of your life.

We were happy. Or so I thought. 

Then, I had my foot operated on. Things changed. Or were brought to light. That, I will never know and I've accepted that. 

I was in a lot of pain but I did what I could to push through. I tried to pull myself together for you and my family. 

You barely visited me. And I didn't know why. I still don't entirely but I've come to terms with that. 

I loved you. I worked hard to find the strength to walk again. I wanted to make you proud. But you never once told me you were. 

We fought a lot. You would scream at me. And you would tell me how hard your day was. While I could barely move after all the work I put my foot through. I tried to not complain. I was hurting but I wanted to stay quiet. I'm sorry I couldn't. 

But I loved you. And I cared. 

I wanted you to be happy. I wanted to cure you of your unhappiness and your self destructive behavior.I wanted to take away your pain.

But your behavior got worse as time went on.  You got so mad you threw a cinder block. I was so afraid of you. I thought you were going to hurt me. I wanted to get out of there. That's why I shut down. I was legitimately afraid you were going to hurt me. 

I couldn't do it anymore. I was crying almost every night. I was taking my family and friends down with me. I didn't have the strength in me to do it. 

And that is why, why I had to cut you out. 

You were my first love. I miss you still. I wish you could understand. 

It still hurts, what I had to do. And what pain you caused me.

Now we both need to heal and move on and be happy.

I wish you the best.