EMOTIONS ðŸ˜ðŸ˜¡
I'm posting this because I'm not allowed to tell anyone yet, and this is getting to me sooooo much.
I learned last week that my best friend of over 10 years is pregnant. That made me very emotional. I felt mad because I just want one. Even if I don't get to experience the miracle of pregnancy and motherhood multiple times, all I ask and pray for is at least one. She already has one, and got pregnant again at the beginning of the year but had a mc at 10 weeks.
Then I realized that it is selfish of me to be mad, because I'm not entitled to anything in this world. After that, I felt like a horrible friend because I should've been more excited. This isn't about me and our struggles conceiving. This is about getting to witness the woman that's been there for me through everything experience becoming a mother yet again. Granted she's gotten to experience it once before, she also had to experience the grief of losing a child and I wouldn't wish that upon anyone. She deserves this. She deserves a rainbow baby.
A little bit about me/DH and our TTC journey: we stopped preventing at the beginning of 2015, and full on trying in August of 2015. We went to our doctor in march of this year to express our concern with being unable to get pregnant, and we're told "it sounds like I have PCOS". I've tried taking opks but could never get a clear positive. There were plenty of lines, but never a line that was just as dark if not darker than the control line. With that being said, we were referred to an obgyn. She also tested my tsh levels, which came back low. So I was put on levothyroxine and metformin. It helped control my cycles but not much more than that. At the obgyn, we did a semen analysis for my husband which all came back normal and were told to have more sex and sent on our way. At our follow up, there wasn't much change so my medications were increased and I was told to lose 30% of my weight and come back. I lost 30 lbs and we have been having more sex but still no luck.
Present day: I have pretty regular 34-36 day cycles but am currently on day 51!! I'm not pregnant. I actually look at this app quite often to see what other women experience. I was looking at it when I got the call from my best friend last week. I just can't seem to shake the jealousy. It bothers me so much. I want to be so happy for her. At the same time I wish just once I could experience it myself. I know I'm not pregnant now (really feeling like I never will be), but I just want to know what it's like. I want to experience the joy, the excitement, the anticipation, and most of all the pure love and happiness of meeting your child that you worked hard for and carried for nine months.
Ok. Rant over.
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