13 Reasons
**POSSIBLE SPOLIERS, I'm going to try not to give anything away, but just to be on the safe side.**
**POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING**
So I just watched 13 Reasons Why on Netflix.. in two days. I don't binge or anything.. Lol! (Side note: has anyone read the book? Do you recommend?) The show was one of the most depressing shows I've watched, but I was hooked. Mainly because of how accurate it portrayed high school (In my opinion, of course. Everyone has different experiences). It was a thrill, a mystery and then some episodes were hard to watch because of how intense they were. It evoked anger, hurt, frustration, and sorrrow from me. There are very little comedic reliefs. I believe Clay's dad is one of them, I usualled laughed at his scenes. I HIGHLY reccomend you watch this, if you haven't already. Especially if you're in high school. If you have watched it and you didn't like it, that's completely fine! Like I said, everyone has different experiences in high school, but over all I believ it is a brutal chapter of our lives. Boys & girls alike. Especially girls.
Freshman year, I was labeled the goody-two shoes, the try-hard/overachiever. I felt like I didn't fit in, so I tried to be a "bad" girl. I started sneaking out to hang with friends, which soon spawned rumors of my sexual life. I began sending indecent pictures of myself to several guys, hopping to seem "bad" and "sexy".. I was 15. They got around school, and I seemed "easy" and "dirty", or so I was told. I was still a virgin. A guy even walked up to me one day, pulled my tank top down & squeezed my brest. My parents found out & called the school, only to be told by the (female) resource officer that I "acted like a flirt and hung out with a lot of guys so it seemed like I enjoyed that attention". Sophmore year came and rumors circled that I was a huge stoner and an alcoholic, so I began experimenting with drugs and drinking. At school, at home, wherever. Rumors must be true, right? I broke up with this guy I dated (for maybe a couple of weeks?) and I was seen walking in the parking lot with another guy, so a small group formed behind me and began chanting "whore". I parents assumed I was sexually active, even though I wasn't, and forced me to take BC or I couldn't hang out with anyone outside of my hourse. I gained weight from the pills. I stepped on this kids foot one day on accident and he proceeded to tell me how much it hurt because of how fat I was. Junior year I began getting in physical fights. More name calling, more rumors, more drugs, more drinking. I finally gave in and popped my cherry that year and it was the worst expirence. Senior year came and I was full blast, sneaking out of classes to catch a buzz, showing up to football games wasted. Anything to both seem cool and forget the feeling of being hated (though I look back now and I'm sure I wasn't hated.. we were all just kids being assholes). I remember breaking down to my dad in the kitchen. I got down on my knees and cried my eyes red begging him to send me to a different school. I told him I just wanted to change my name, my hair, my eyes - everything! I just wanted to start over. Fast forward to me getting arrested for possession. Thank goodness I got to go through a PTI program, and I had to go to counseling. My parents were so strict, I felt I had left them down. That was the first time I had seen my dad cry. I felt like a failure. I felt not good enough. I felt like I was sitting in a deep, black void that just kept getting colder and deeper and I was as getting more and more lost. This time, I didn't have the drugs or the alcohol to dim the pain. I cried on the way to school, in between classes, falling to sleep at night. Of course rumors circled about me being arrested and I had to deal with that. I had been self-harming since 8th grade, and it only got worse. My step-mom threatened to send me to a mental facility if I didn't "clean up". It finally did come to a point where I thought about ending it all. I knew the proper way to cut my wrists, I knew how to tie a noose, I knew where my father kept the gun in the kitchen. I say up all night one night, thinking of possibilities. What would be the quickest, the best way? I kept reminding myself of the blissful sleep that would come afterwards. The quiet. I just wanted peace.
I don't know what happened. I don't know if I just passed out from exhaustion, or if I got scared, but I didn't do it.
I woke up the next morning and pushed on, as I did every day afterwards.
I graduated high school in the top half of my class. And that very day I decided that I am not who I was, I am new and I was going to show the world. So I busted. My. Ass. I got into college, I found the love of my life who I'm now married to. I am happy and healthy and full of love for everyone. I have no problems making friends, and instead of walking with my head down, I walk with a coffee in one hand and confidence in the other. I speak up, I'm not afraid.
I am strong.
Could my situation have been worse? Gosh, yes. Other girls have been raped, abused by boyfriends and/or parents. There are far worse things than what I just talked about.
I'm not telling you all this to get pity or a gasp, but I know there are a lot of young women on here, in their high school years, that may feel like no one understand or that they don't have anyone to talk to. They may be going through exactly what Hannah Baker did and cannot speak up. There was nothing special or different about me. I was good at English, I loved theater, I made decent grades. I was a typical teenager. Depression is real, and it can happen to ANYONE.
So if this is you, please listen to me.
You are not alone. You ARE strong. You ARE loved. You are SO MUCH MORE than just another face in the crowd. You are more than your grades, more than the stupid cliques you feel trapped in, more than the labels you're given, you are more than your past. You are more than "just a teenage girl/boy" in high school. Keep. Pushing. There is no one in the world like you so if we lose you, there will be no replacement.
EVERYONE is going through something.
We have to remember that what someone else may let roll off their back, others hang onto. Never assume anyone's situation. At school, at work, at home, at all. You don't have to get a long with everyone. Just don't be reason.
Thank you for listening.
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