Just need to vent

I've been on and off with my SO for over 3yrs. He is a creature of habit and pretty much a textbook narcissist. I know based on his behaviors, due to them being repetitious, what is about to happen in regards to us.

Anyway, when we got back together this time (about 3months ago) he was adamant on winning me back and showing his love for me. Great! That has always been an issue in our relationship. It was great for awhile and then these past couple of weeks things have changed. He's pulled away to the point where this no intimacy. I have to ask for a kiss hello, goodbye, or goodnight when he has always, over 3yrs, been the affectionate one and always making some sort of contact. Our sex life has always been predictable with 2-4x a week and now it's been 2x in 3 weeks.

This past week he has taken off numerous times in the evening saying he was going to a certain place and I wouldn't hear from him for hours. Today, he was suppose to come home after work and decided to go to a buddy's house. Said he'd have me come down and hang out..... Well that was at 430pm and here we are at 145am.... Only thing I heard from him was "Not enough parts for car" and "can't drive car at all". When I asked if he wanted me to pick him up nothing and nothing since.... I told him how I felt disrespected and that he only acts like I exist when he needs something and then it's as if I'm nobody to him. I've asked him recently to put an effort into reassuring me that things are good, especially since he talks to his ex (they share a kid) every day and she has always interfered with our relationship.

I'm beyond frustrated. My gut says he's being unfaithful. I'm frustrated that he relies on me financially and though he has a job that pays decently, he has no desire to help with our household bills but expects me to help him with his back debt because "it would help us". Stupidly I have while still taking care of house bills and my own personal bills.

This week, when he came home from taking off with MY car for hours, I addressed him on it. He threatened to hit me and so I asked him to leave. When he said no I told him I refuse to be disrespected in MY house. Long story short, when I attempted to talk to him about his behavior I got thrown into the wall. I got thrown so hard that my neighbor across the street heard it. I'm a bigger woman and he's a tall and lanky so imagine the strength it took and the force it had to have been with.

The next day he texts me at 440am, not to apologize or ask to get his things, but to ask me for a ride or help buying his car (he sold his truck because he wanted to help with bills). Anyway, I was stupid and helped him get the car on the road since he wasn't able to register it. I know, dumb.

I've told myself over the years that this man is no good. I did great last time we broke up, I was the one to walk away. I've told myself the same thing everyone else is thinking. He's using you, he's toxic, it's not going to change.

As I said earlier, he is a textbook narcissist. I know that right now we are in the devaluing stage of things. I want to be done with him. I'm over the bullcrap. I've been over it! Problem is, I don't know how to walk away. I don't know why I am in love with a man who I know is toxic. Who I know only wants me because of the stability I provide. I have everything he wants but refuses to take responsibility to obtain them. I know that on some level he does love me. But I know his main motive for being with me is what I can provide.

I want out of this relationship with a man I am stupidly in love with and don't know why. 😔