My friends are friends with my rapist.

 

 

So I've just moved to a new country, I'm 19, on my own, not knowing anyone here. 

I joined a group chat for people who are Au pairs like me (international nannies) and I've met some nice people. We'd go out all the time and we would explore the guys. 

In total I've slept with about 6 guys (not including the guy I will be talking about) and I've been here almost 5 months. 

I feel like because I sleep with so many guys (3 of which were drunken one night stand, 1 was a FWB, the other 2 i was seriously dating for over a month each. I'm currently still in a relationship with the one) I have really no say in what happened and I'm really ashamed and embarrassed about myself.. I haven't told my current boyfriend about this night because I feel so ashamrd and dirty. 

 

Okay so about 2 months ago (maybe longer) I had caught my exboyfriend cheating on me. It wasn't a surprise because the entire relationship he was abusive to me. He left me outside his friends apartment once for 2 hours. My phone was dead and I didn't know how to get home and when he came down I was crying on the stairs and he tried to run away so that i didn't see him. He was just stupid. Also the first night of our official "boyfriend girlfriend" relationship status, we went to this night club party and he had told me to wait downstairs for him so I did and 20 minutes had gone by and he texted me asking if I was upstairs or downstairs and I said downstairs he left it on read and I texted him 10 minutes later asking if he wanted me to come upstairs and when I got upstairs the first thing I saw was him grinding up on some girl and getting her number. When I confronted them he acting like he didn't know me and I ran away and he stayed there to get his number and then ran after me once he got turned down by her because she saw he was being an asshole. He cheated on me so many times I can't even count on my fingers and toes, then he'd beg for me to stay and say he's sorry and it won't happen again and me being stupid I stayed with him through all of that bs because of past relationship abuse fucking with my self esteem.  

 

Anyways that's not the story, the main part of the story is I finally decided enough is enough and broke up with him turned my phone off, went out with friends to one of the best nightclubs here. My goal was to just have fun being VIP and dance with my girls (we're all VIP members there so we get free entry, bottles, a table, VIP bathroom, and our own section in the club.) My male friend is friends with some promotors and their job is to bring in attractive women in return for VIP so that's how we get VIP. I didn't want to go home with anyone. The VIP area is also away from everyone else I planned on staying in there with my girls (and the Au pair guy obviously but he normally did his own thing with his promoter friends) I didn't want to go out and meet any guys because at that point I had sworn off guys. We've been to this nightclub as VIPs a total of like 4 times at this point so I knew the layout pretty well. 

 

This night was different because we were being fed vodka like there was no tomorrow. They'd pour us drink after drink. 

We were dancing and the last thing I remember is going back over to our table and one of the promoters handing me a drink. 

I remember nothing from there except puking on the subway train. 

My friends say I left incoherent, not speaking English, German, or any language I can speak. Just mumbling, I couldn't stand straight and I was slumped over onto my friends friend (one of the promoters) shoulder and he said he's taking me home. 

Because I have sex frequently they thought it was normal for me to leave with guys and they just said bye and let us go. 

 

From there idk because my friends weren't there to tell me what happened and I don't remember but from what I'm piecing together we got on the subway on the way to his house and I threw up (I remember specifically throwing up on the subway because of the movement). 

 

Then we get to his place and idk what happened and I woke up the next day not remembering anything, very confused and scared because I didn't know where I was. I was wearing some random shirt in some random room and then the promoter guy comes in and says good morning and that I need to leave. He hands me a fruit, walks me out and I go home. Also this is semi fuzzy because I woke up still fairly drunk. Like the amount of drunk you'd be after taking 2 tequila shots. 

 

A few weeks later we're invited back to the nightclub and the promoter guys were laughing and staring at me (the guy who's house I was in wasn't there this night) and I just thought it was because we were all drinking having a good time. This time I only had 2-3 drinks because the thought of drinking too much really made me sick and idk why. 

 

So the next day we (the Au pair girls from the club and our male Au pair friend) went to explore the city and during that my male Au our friend started asking me how the night with his promoter friend went and stuff and I said "I don't remember anything" and he started laughing and said his friend told him this; 

 

"It was ducking disgusting. She kept throwing up and was covered in vomit. I tried to get her to brush her teeth but she couldn't move her arms and I had to do it for her." He then went on to say that the sex was gross because I was throw up and that he came on my chest but I was basically half asleep and he had to sleep on the living room couch because I was covered in vomit and cum and he couldn't wake me up to make me take a shower and I was too much of a cow to carry. 

 

I had never felt more humiliated listening to him telll me the story and how many times he said that his friend called me "fucking disgusting" and a cow. All of that just broke my heart and my sel esteem and my friend was laughing about it like it was a joke. 

I laughed it off and waited about 15 minutes before saying I was going home. 

 

I haven't been comfortable ever since. I don't want to drink anymore I don't go out as much.. my friends have to beg for me to come but no one realizes why I don't want to go out. I don't want to see the promoter guy. All of the places they go to that guy is there because he's friends with them. 

It's humiliating. I didn't want to have sex with anyone. Let alone have sex and not remember it. It's my fault for being so careless with sex before, my friends didn't know that I didn't want to have sex with him because of my history, and I shouldn't have drunk so much. I regret everything I did. 

 

I told 2 of my girlfriends here about it because I was asking them what happened that night and how I even ended up with the promoter guy because from what I do remember from the night I never once talked to him or gave off any vibe that I liked him because I really don't. He's not at all my type. They still continue to go out with him and to go to bars and stuff and I can't blame them because it is my fault that it happened and I don't want them to miss out on the fun nights but I don't know how to cope. I want all new friends and an all new persona. Tbh I want to go home but I'm on a work contract I can't break and I don't want to leave my boyfriend. 

 

I deleted all of my dating apps and get really uncomfortable around guys now. 

The first person I met when I came here (my now boyfriend) is the only person I really feel comfortable around. He's the one keeping me grounded but he lives a few hours outside of the major city I live in so I don't see him often. 

I also haven't had the courage to tell him about that night. I don't know what to do. 

 

It's my one friends last week here because he contract is up and my friend (who knows about what happened that night) asked if I was coming to a house party tonight with her some Au pairs and the guy Au pair and I said no then she texted me this:

I feel so bad because it's my friends last weekend here but I don't know the guy who's house it is or who all will be going and I feel really sick (anxious) about going to a strange guys house. 

 

It's all so embarrassing, I feel so dirty, and I'm ashamed of myself. I'm such a whore and I should've never let this happen to me.