Any advice?

Hi,

According to my contract, after five years in this job, this year, I was scheduled to be assessed in order to proceed to a permanent position, where I would have some job security. I have met and far far exceeded all objectives but a difficult one (it is the most important yet it is the objective where the least amount of our working time is dedicated to, because other objectives are always more urgent). To proceed to a permanent position, I am essentially required to produce now what permanent staff must produce by 2022 (that's when the client project must be ready). Because that's how a new employee proves 'their worth'.

I have continuously been praised for my productivity and for how uniquely and 'so-much-more' in comparison to other colleagues, even more senior and more experienced ones, I contribute. But as I have not met this one objective, I was denied the transition to a permanent role and I was given 9 months so that I can meet this objective as well. Otherwise I am out. My other nine colleagues know that I did not proceed to this permanent role and I have noticed some lack of respect from two recently.

It is not that I have not tried. I have tried very hard but with no results so far.

I work crazy hours. In fact, I have been working non-stop. Evenings, weekends. High levels of stress. Ever since last year, I have started feeling pressure beyond manageable levels. Crying constantly. Can't sleep. Don't exercise, don't eat healthy. No work-life balance. Small amount of time spent with my long term partner. Continuous postponement of other life plans. No travelling or any form of self gratification because of the fear of being unemployed soon. All this stress has taken its toll on my health, and wellbeing, but most importantly on my mental health. I am not a doctor, but I am willing to bet my right hand that at this stage I am seriously depressed. My employer does not know about this.

Am I right to feel unappreciated and demotivated? Am I right to want to quit although I like my job (its nature but not how I am asked to do it) ? Am I right to want to quit but feeling utterly gutted for wanting to leave after I have invested so much time and effort?

Or am I just a big baby?

Thank you for any comments you may want to make...