Relationship Help please.



March 2012 some guy(L) asked me out i said yes didnt know he went to my school.

Turned out he did. I didnt like him. I felt weird around him. We kissed and hung out but i didnt find him attractive and i didnt like kissing him. We dated in June i moved 300 miles away. This entire time i was kind of flirting with guys on the internet but not really. When September 2012 a new friend of mine convinced me to break up with him thwn he asked me out and i was in a very abusive relationship with him it was long distance. I cheated on that guy the entire time. Through out this relationship me and L talked.

May 2013 i met a guy at the store. We hung out and i kissed him (i was trying to make myself believe i liked him because i knew i never really liked anyone and i was always pretending to to be normal) he wanted sex and didn't take no for an answer. This continued for a month because i felt so used and that i had nothing worth saving and id never find love. (I never liked sex i always tried to get out of it i just wanted a relationship since he was the first person to do something with me)

I told L he got mad. From then on me and L were back together. But i let other guys gave sex with me because it didnt matter id never find love. I stayed with L because hes the only person i knew that loved me. November i decided to stop. I went to go visit him. And i felt bad other guys did me and he didnt. I knew i could say no and hed understand but i knew he wanted it. So we did it. Once again i did not enjoy it. He wanted a baby so i let him try to get me pregnant. Im not sure if i ever was.aldo after i got back i got raped and took a plan B pill. But thay was 2 weeks after i ovulated and 3-6 before my next period. I missed a period then had a really clotted period but by this time i was back 300 miles away. I told him i miscarriaged. But i wasnt sure i took a pregnancy test and i might of had a faint line i dont really remember. February L broke up with me because i was a bitch.But here we are.March of last year. I met a guy well call him M. I hadnt talked to L since. Except a few days aho i got a message of him saying sorry. Now were talking. And im trying to rationalize everything. I consider myself a virgin until i met M because he was the first person ive loved hadn't cheated on and enjoyed sex with. Me and L are still talking were talking about the past and just talking. I havent told M. What do i do? Also im afriad to lose L and jealous hell move on. (Hes still madly in love with me) What Do I do? I need guidance or advice. I know I'm a bitch and a whore and trash. You dont need to tell me.