Finally letting go

The moment I saw those two lines on the test I dropped to my knees and thanked the Lord. I cried a river that day of hopefulness, joy, and absolute fear. Miscarriages and other issues are common in this family of mine- which is where the fear came from. I took 12 tests over the course of the following week and I was shocked every time to see that extra line! I cried happy tears after each test, but was always cautious to not get my hopes up.. There was only one line now. One lonely, pitiful line. The line that would mock me for the rest of my life. I didn't know what true loss was until the lonley line lost it's friend. It's been 2 months and that line is still mocking me. What's even more sad? I can't throw any of those damn tests away. They'll soon fade, though. All I'll have left is the memory of sitting in the bathtub that day surrounded blood, tears, and alcohol. Suicide was the word of the day, but I was stronger than I thought I was. I survived. I will continue to move forward. I will try my hardest to learn to live with a shattered heart. That is why I am throwing the tests away next week. They are the only tangible things I have from my child. I don't have any baby bump pictures, no toys, no stretch marks.. Nothing. That is why I am moving forward and throwing away those emotional tests. I've decided to replace them with a ring that has June's birthstone- motherpearl. Because that is when I lost my child.