Lastnight I watched a recommended video on YouTube. It was Eryka Badu featuring Common called Love of my life. I saw this video only once or twice in my life and avoided watching it ever since; being afraid that it would bring back memories of that day I last saw it which at this point 16 years ago. I thought it was safe and I wanted to face my fear on top of my love for all of her other music anyway. So I watched it and felt nothing. I went to sleep, tossed and turned all night and was awaken out of my sleep in the morning by my boyfriend Hassan. He said I was crying. I was sweaty and my heart was racing. I had felt like I was crying and my chest ached as if I experienced a heart break or maybe anxiety idk. But I woke up talked to Hassan about the dream. After talking about the dream I realized that yes it was just a dream but it was symbolically what I had been running from half of my life. This made me think back to when my psychologist suggested that I maybe experiencing post traumatic stress disorder. I always thought that only soldiers who have fought in wars experienced that. And that was nonsense. So I wrote it off as her not know what the hell she was talking about and never thought of it again. Now I'm here thinking about my childhood/teenage years and how things appeared to everyone else vs what I was actually dealing with alone. I was very angry. No one understood me. They always said I wanted attention but truth be told, I wanted the exact opposite. And that was to not be seen, because everything I did was wrong. Not be heard because everything I said was wrong. Not exist because of who everyone thought I was and I wasn't that I was misunderstood. I was a black sheep. I didn't have a place. Because I didn't feel that I "belong" i look outside my family and family friends and trust strangers more than I should have. Mainly males. For some reasons I never trust females.i kinda still don't. I don't remember the exact day but it was fall of 2002 i was 12. I was walking home from school when this guy (name Justin 19 yo and he seemed nice) approached me. We talked while we walked, laughed, told stories and I feel like a made a potential "friend". I was happy, I just moved to the area just started a new middle school and had no friends. Long story short he never had any intentions on being my friend. He used me. I let my guard down and so he could rape me. I don't feel like getting into details about the rape but And he did. It was painful, disgusting, embarrassing, and it hurt because my dumb ass trusted him. Before it happened I was watching on 106 and park the video that I believe triggered these feelings. I never told anyone about it. Because once again I did something wrong. I was taking this to my grave. Now fast forward years later 2007 I believe I told my current boyfriend. He told everyone after I told him not to. And everyone meaning my family. They didn't believe it they say I wanted attention. I wanted to tell them but thats exacty why i didn't. The end!