What is wrong with me?

*trigger warning*

I'm going to try and make this as least dramatic as I can, but to start, my son is 14 months old. He's my rainbow baby, as I lost his sister shortly after she was born in mid 2013. My pregnancy with my daughter was pretty hard..I hemorrhaged and bled a lot through out..and was on pelvic rest. I associated sex as something bad that could hurt her.

After she passed, her father and I broke up, I had numerous sexual partners, went to grief therapy..was super depressed. Like, I don't even wanna get into it, but it was my all time low. I was wreckless with drugs an alcohol.

Fast forward to now. My life is pretty much completely turned around and the sun is shining except for one thing--our sex life suuuuucks. I've been with my current boyfriend, the father of my son. since late 2014. Our sex life was great until our son was born and now I've lost all interest. I literally don't care..and it's made my boyfriend insanely insecure. It's putting a strain on our relationship, but I never get horny. If I do, I just wanna get off and get it over with..and I don't wanna feel this way! I don't know wtf happened.

When I sit down and really think about it, I'm so tired from being a SAHM..my boyfriend sees our son for maybe 20 min a day if that because he works so hard and commutes far and part of me resents him for getting to escape..but at the same time, I am terrified of leaving my son behind because in my world, literally anything can happen! I can be hella pregnant and give birth and then go home empty handed. Even writing this shit down makes me cry because I don't want to be that person, but that's just who I am. I don't wanna have sex because idk if I can handle the consequences of it either. I don't know if I can handle chancing even 0.001% of getting pregnant again because idk if I'm emotionally ready to put myself through that type of fear.

I don't know what to do. I just feel bad for my boyfriend. It's so fuckin mental for me and I know it isn't for him.

He's asked me about getting put on antidepressants, but the only reason I haven't is because I get very bad vertigo and migraines from the ones I have taken in the past.

I've been trying to focus more on exercising, eating right and staying off social media. I haven't been on social media in a year. Separating myself from that has helped me focus all of my positive energy on my son. He's so important to me...But really, what should I even do about this? I feel like a bad girlfriend. 😔