I’ve just hated everything the past week. I can’t even stand for my own family to talk to me anymore. Every time they say something I get an attitude and I really don’t mean to. I’ve had the worst road rage, to the point I’ve almost got in wrecks. At times when I’m driving, I black out. I’ll be at a stop sign looking both ways and not even see a car that’s coming until I almost hit it. Other times someone will be talking to me right in front of me and I won’t hear a damn word they say. It almost sounds like another language. I don’t know if these problems are me losing my sight and hearing or problems with my attention span.

And honestly, it hasn’t just been this week. I’ve felt like this since I graduated in May. Everything I had known for the past 4 years was just ripped away from me and I’m expected to be okay with it. It’s like the older I get, the more I get treated like a kid. I feel like I can’t do anything without my grandma getting all preachy. Its not fair that she forces me into religion. It’s also really sad that I now have that attitude towards something that used to mean a lot to me. Now I hate going to church and I hate anything that has to do with it. And I really don’t know why. No one else my age is dragged to church every Sunday and to any other church event. I didn’t ask for all this. But I have no choice.

Its like I’m not allowed to have experiences or make mistakes. She was joking when she said this, but she said I should wait until I get married to move out. Its not fair. That’s shit the duggars do. And then I feel really bad for feeling that way. She’s done so much for me my whole life. But something needs to change here.

I just can’t help but feel like something is seriously wrong with me. It’s like I’m always angry and if I’m not having memory problems, I’m blacking out and not seeing things I’m looking right at. That probably doesn’t make sense but whatever. It’s not like I can go to the doctor and get any kind of treatment because I’m supposed to “just pray it away”. But that’s not going to work for me.